Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 02 Mar 2017, 8:50 pm

Management Lessons

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Number Two


A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

The following morning he was spotted by the farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull$hit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Number Three


When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a$$hole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the a$$hole being the Boss.

So the a$$hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the a$$hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a$$hole will do.


Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing with joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out.

Then he ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops $hit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of $hit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep $hit, keep your mouth shut!

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 02 Mar 2017, 11:08 pm

Johnny was at school one day with a pocket full of rabbit dung.
At recess he started selling them to unsuspecting fellow students, telling them that they were brain enhancing super pills.

Along came Thomas (doubting Thomas),,,,, who reluctantly paid $2.00 for a pellet.

He popped it in his mouth, chewed, then spat it out and exclaimed "That tastes like sh!t"

See,,,,,,,,,,, your smarter already said Johnny.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 03 Mar 2017, 5:50 am

What is princess Diana's favourite type of donut ?








She doesn't have one, she's dead.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 03 Mar 2017, 7:22 pm

I must admit that I am curious and all, but I fear to ask... Do tell ! :unknown:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 03 Mar 2017, 7:28 pm

In the mean time,

A bloke goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the bloke says, 'she's not that ugly' :lol:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Mar 2017, 7:31 pm

Gotta pay that one. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 03 Mar 2017, 7:38 pm

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes the others up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left unbelievably says, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle said "That's funny, I just dreamed I was skiing!"

:problem:

:lol:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Mar 2017, 12:56 am

What do you call a very thirsty Dragonfly ??


A Flagondry of course.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 05 Mar 2017, 5:28 am

booo! :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 6:44 pm

A police officer attempted to stop a car for speeding, but the bloke increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The bloke eventually realises he can't escape and pulls over.

The cop approached the car and said, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good enough excuse for your behavior, I'll cut you a break and just let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago and I was just worried that you could have been that officer, trying to bring her back!"

The cop said "you sir, are free to go". :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 7:22 pm

A police officer pulls over a lady for speeding and approaches the car,

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the woman's car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer : Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer : One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Senior Officer : Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer : Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer that initially pulled her over is stunned.

Senior Officer : One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out her license and hands it to the senior officer.

The senior officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer : Sorry ma'am, It's just that one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. :?

Woman: Betcha the lying ba$tard told you I was speeding too. ;) :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 8:18 pm

A secret government agency was trying to recruit an assassin for a top secret mission.

After all of the usual background checks, interviews and other testing had been completed.

There were three potential candidates: two men and a really good looking redhead woman.

For the final test, the government agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun and said "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter the circumstances or target, Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room, all was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room, immediately shots rang out.

Then to their surprise the the agents heard blood curdling screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

After a minute the door opened slowly and there stood the redhead woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "That gun was loaded with blanks you incompetent idiots, so I had to beat the Kent to death with the bloody chair."

:lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 9:02 pm

A bloke bought an old bull from a farmer for $100 and the farmer agreed to deliver the bull the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry mate, but I have some bad news. The bull died in the back of the truck overnight."

"Well, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that mate, I have spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the dead bull."

"What are you going to do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead bull!"

"Sure I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer bumped into the bloke and asked, "What happened with that dead bull?"

"I raffled him off, I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Only the guy who won the raffle. He outright demanded his money back, so I gave his two dollars back." ;)

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 9:58 pm

Two old ladies (Jean and Joan) are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to piss down rain.

Jean, pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Joan said “What the hell is that?”

“Its a condom, it protects my cigarette from getting wet replied Jean.”

Joan asked “Where did you get it from?”

Jean said “You can get them at any chemist and a few pub toilets too”

Liking the idea, the next day Joan hobbles herself into the local chemist on her walker and announces to the very young pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms !!!.

Extremely shocked and embarrassed the young pharmacist (first day on the job), looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all well over 80 years of age) Being so young and innocent he reluctantly asks If there is a specific brand or style/flavour she prefers?.. :oops:

Joan replied “Doesn't really matter sonny, Just as long as it will fit on a camel.”

The poor innocent young pharmacist fainted on the spot in absolute shock and horror. :shock:

:lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 10:10 pm

Gee, tough crowd tonight :lol:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 10:34 pm

Somewhere deep in the woods, there was a bear and a rabbit.

The bear was taking a $hit, when out of the corner of his eye he spotted the rabbit... He said to the rabbit "Hey, I'm really curious to ask you ? as a rabbit do you have any problems with $hit sticking to your fur ?.."

The rabbit said " Errrrrr, no... I cannot say I have ever had any problems with that whatsoever " so the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his a$$ with him... :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 05 Mar 2017, 10:43 pm

Alright, I'm calling foul on the last one, boo!

But overall, you should be getting paid for this :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 10:46 pm

OK... Lets try another cop related one then :lol:

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he noticed a guy tied up to a tree, crying.

The officer stops and approaches the guy.

"What's going on here?", he asks.

The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker and he pulled a knife on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."

The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his old fella and said "Well I guess this just isn't your lucky day, pal!"

:shock:

:lol:

Ps... Title, Feel free to send your payments to Dingo.com :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 05 Mar 2017, 11:21 pm

And to think, I threw the red head assassin one in with you in mind mate as I knew you liked the read head babes :D :drinks:

Perhaps you will like this one then, I even worked your handle into it (hope you don't mind mate ).... :friends:

Title_II comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $500 for a blow J*B there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." Title_II thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you Title_II says, "Because I really want to see how you survive on $1000 a year!!!" :lol: :drinks:

Def..... no offense intended !! Just trying to give ya a good laugh mate!!! ;) hope you like it..

:thumbsup: :drinks: :drinks: :drinks: :drinks: :drinks:

Jeff
Last edited by darwindingo on 06 Mar 2017, 8:48 am, edited 2 times in total.
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 06 Mar 2017, 3:54 am

I do better than some guys I know, it can be sad out there! :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by coroboreeboy » 06 Mar 2017, 6:55 am

A young archaeologist recently qualifies and gets his first job on a "dig" in the desert. He is being shown around by an older, experienced hand, when he asks what they do for entertainment out here in the desert.
"Well" says the old guy, " On Friday night, a truck full of beer comes out from the city and we all get rolling drunk"
"I wouldn't like that" says the young man.
"Well then there's Saturday night" says the older man, "A bus comes out from the city full of women, and we have a big orgy"
"I wouldn't like that" says the young man.
"Hey, you're not gay are you" the old guy says.
"Certainly not!" he replies.
"Oh, well you won't like Sunday night either"
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 06 Mar 2017, 8:33 am

:lol:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 06 Mar 2017, 10:30 am

The same young archaeologist that Coroboreeboy was talking about continued to work on that "dig",,,,
but soon became annoyed at the old codger,,,,,,
because whatever the young bloke found in the dig, and labelled, the old codger would re label it and correct him.

If he found an arrow head, the young bloke would label it as coming from the stone age period, but the old codger would change it.
No matter what the young bloke thought, the old codger would always have a differing opinion.

Finally the young bloke was so annoyed that he vowed he would win out over the old codger.
The very next morning, the young bloke entered the old codgers tent, and dropped a used tampax pad on the table.

OK,,,,,,,,,,,,,, could you tell me what period that came from, the young bloke asked ?
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 06 Mar 2017, 1:01 pm

Old Roy and Ethel were sitting around the dining table , bills laid out in front of them, discussing their current financial situation.

"The pension is not enough Ethel" said Roy, "I'm too old to work, you're going to have to turn tricks and earn us some extra cash"

"Ok" says Ethel, and so that night she heads to the local red light district and begins work as a prostitute.

5am the next morning she staggers in the door looking exhausted and slaps down $50.50c

"50c?" Says Roy, "Who the hell gave you 50c?

Ethel looks bewildered .......
"Everyone!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Mar 2017, 6:40 pm

:lol:

Two mates camping in the mountains had spent four weeks together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning Neil said,

"You know we're starting to get on each other's nerves, so why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight we'll meet back up to have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

Bob agrees and hikes south.

That night over dinner Neil tells his story,

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley and I followed a stream until I found a crystal clear mountain lake. I went for a swim and then I sat down on a log to dry out and have lunch. Whilst eating lunch I watched several deer come and drink from the lake. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and wedge tail eagles floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

Bob said,

"I headed south and eventually ran across a set of railroad tracks so I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and then we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. When I was so tired I could barely move, I headed back to camp."

"Wow!!" Neil exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," said Bob eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head." :wtf: :problem: :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 23 Mar 2017, 6:46 pm

darwindingo wrote: Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," said Bob eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head." :wtf: :problem: :lol:

:drinks:


:lol: :lol: :lol:
There's something wrong with you Dingo,,,,,,,,,,, But I like it. :thumbsup:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 23 Mar 2017, 8:32 pm

There is plenty wrong with this Dingo mate, Fleas, Ticks, a little issue with mange, along with an odd sense of humor and drinking way more piss than a Dingo probably should to say the least... :lol:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gamerancher » 24 Mar 2017, 11:03 am

You must be a "mangy part-bred" Darwin, pure dingos have a natural resistance to fleas. :allegedly: :drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 24 Mar 2017, 11:50 am

Gamerancher wrote:You must be a "mangy part-bred" Darwin, pure dingos have a natural resistance to fleas. :allegedly: :drinks:


:lol: :drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 24 Mar 2017, 6:17 pm

Q: Why did the blonde wake up with a sore belly button?

A:She has a blonde boyfriend. ...
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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