Jokes

General conversation and chit chat - The place for non-shooting specific topics. Introduce yourself here.

Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 03 Feb 2017, 11:12 am

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :D
User avatar
Title_II
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1430
United States of America

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 03 Feb 2017, 12:01 pm

A woman from the big city decided it was time to get out and find herself a "real man"
So she heads off out into the country, and was driving along a dusty back road.
Coming around a sharp bend in the road, she can hardly believe her eyes.

Out in a paddock was a perfect specimen of a handsome young man, and he was tethered to a plough that he was pulling.
As he had almost finished doing the paddock, she parked alongside the road and watched.
When he finished the last lap, he pulled the plough over to the fence line of the adjoining paddock, picked up the plough and threw it over the fence.

The woman couldn't contain her excitement any longer,, climbed over the fence, and ran over to the young man and said "I need F#@king"

The young man looked at her and said, "So do I,, I just ploughed the wrong paddock"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 03 Feb 2017, 12:38 pm

An insurance salesman was travelling in the country trying to make some sales.
He pulled up at a farmhouse and knocked on the door.
A woman answered, and the salesman asked to speak to the man of the house.
The woman said, He's down at the milking shed, walk down and see him there.

The salesman meets the farmer and explains that he is selling insurance.
The farmer said to him, "Son,,,, I will buy the biggest and most comprehensive policy you've got,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, On one condition".
The salesman asked what would that be.

Farmer says, "Well, it's like this,,,,,,,,, yesterday morning I had a new heifer that was due for her first milking, so I did all the other cows first and left the heifer till last so that things were quiet and relaxed so she wouldn't get too upset.
I put her in the bail, and sat down with the bucket, and carefully started milking.
Then she kicked, and knocked the bucket over.
So I got a leg rope and tied her leg back.
I started milking again, and shortly thereafter she kicked with the other leg and knocked the bucket over again.
So I got another leg rope and tied the other leg back.
I sat down again to start milking, and then she sh!t and it ran down her tail and it swished across my face.
So, I get up and lifted her tail up over her back and tied it to her horns.
I was about to sit down again to milk her, when I got the urge to pee.
So I walked out behind her to have a pee,,,,,, and I'd just unzipped and pulled the old fellah out,,,, and the wife turned up to see how things were going.

Well,,,, that's my condition son,,,,,,,, If you can convince her that I didn't have bad intentions towards that cow,, I'll buy your insurance.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 04 Feb 2017, 7:45 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :clap: :drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 04 Feb 2017, 8:28 am

i was out hunting last week and this buxom blonde honey ran out of the bush and started undressing, 'you game' i said winking

you bet i am ,replied the blond

so i shot her :twisted:

:thumbsup:
User avatar
tom604
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1053
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 04 Feb 2017, 4:24 pm

Tom, that's sad. :(
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 04 Feb 2017, 6:04 pm

This page is horrible, mates :D

Get your act back together ;)
User avatar
Title_II
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1430
United States of America

Re: Jokes

Post by rsj223 » 04 Feb 2017, 6:40 pm

Cant help my self like this one
Attachments
So True.jpg
So True.jpg (20.79 KiB) Viewed 8217 times
User avatar
rsj223
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 652
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 04 Feb 2017, 9:51 pm

Gave me a laugh Tom... :drinks: Thanks as I really needed one with all the bad a$$ news I've been getting of late, from mates (M & F) that I would be honored to die for if it would save them and their kids the horrendous stuff they are going through... :( :( :( :( :( :(

Don't mean to :violin: :oops: Just Venting, as I drown my sorrows.. 700ml JB Devils Cut down, time to move on to the slab of beer... Life is precious so don't sweat the small stuff I'd say.... :violin:

Take care guys and gals, and go get the appropriate checks done ( I'm sure you know what I mean )

Anyhoo, thats enough :violin: :violin: from me.... :oops:

sorry to F up the thread and drag it off topic guys and gals, just not in a good space atm... please excuse me... Only reason I mention it is because I don't want to see any of you mob go through what I'm seeing of late.... :friends:

:drinks:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

I love my country, but fear my government.
User avatar
darwindingo
Sergeant
Sergeant
 
Posts: 596
-

Re: Jokes

Post by juststarting » 05 Feb 2017, 1:15 am

http://i.imgur.com/Mi9aW0I.gifv

(image format not supported on the forum)
---
https://reloadingstudio.com
User avatar
juststarting
Captain
Captain
 
Posts: 2738
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 05 Feb 2017, 7:17 am

I'm sorry to hear that Darwindingo. Hang in there, things will improve. :)
User avatar
Title_II
Warrant Officer C1
Warrant Officer C1
 
Posts: 1430
United States of America

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 05 Feb 2017, 8:18 pm

Try and stay positive DD.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 05 Feb 2017, 8:31 pm

Back to jokes.

That bloke couldn't get a root in a dog's brothel with a chaff bag full of bones.

To be fair and non sexist.

She could not get a root off a gigolo greyhound with a chaff bag full of bones.
Tiger650
Corporal
Corporal
 
Posts: 451
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Feb 2017, 9:39 pm

Darwin Dingo, you'll get there Mate,,,, Remember, "Every Dog has his day" in some shape or form.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Feb 2017, 9:55 pm

There was an old bloke and his dog that used to frequent the local pub.
The dog was named Blue, and was renowned locally that he would not obey ANY command from anyone except his master.

Some of the locals regularly told newcomers about Blue,,,,,,
and would wager bets against the possibility of Blue obeying a command from a stranger.
They made quite a lot of money from their bets,
Until one day when a stranger made a very large wager that he could succeed where others had failed.
The locals eagerly accepted the wager.
So, the stranger walked over to Blue, bent over and gently picked him up.
He then slowly carried him to the far end of the bar room where there was a lovely open fire that kept everyone cosy.
Then abruptly, he threw Blue on the fire,,,,, and said,,,, Get out Blue.


:silent: A bit of "Black Humour"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 05 Feb 2017, 11:26 pm

Little Johnny.

A teacher asks the class to name things that ends with Tor and that eats things

First boy: Alligator
Teacher: Very Good that's a big word

...
Second boy : Predator
Teacher: Yes, That's another big word.Well done

Little Johnny: Vibrator.

After nearly falling off her chair

Teacher: That is a big word,but it doesn't eat anything

Johnny: well my aunt has one and she says it eats flamin' batteries like there's no tomorrow!!!..
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 05 Feb 2017, 11:28 pm

image (1).jpeg
Safe Sex. :lol:
image (1).jpeg (47.11 KiB) Viewed 8062 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 05 Feb 2017, 11:29 pm

image (2).jpeg
image (2).jpeg (96.58 KiB) Viewed 8062 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 06 Feb 2017, 5:39 pm

In a school from the rough end of town.


Teacher asks, What noise does a cow make ?
Sarah replies, Mooooo,

Very good says teacher,,,, What noise does a dog make ?
Simon replies, Woof Woof,

Very good says teacher,,,,, What noise does a pig make ?
Johhnie screams out,,, "I know this one Miss,,,,, Hands up you Mother f@#kers"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 6:46 am

Correct English Definition


I phoned a long standing friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".


(I was impressed......)



On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing the dishes with hot water ... under his wife's supervision!!
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 6:50 am

What a bloody rippa!

They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.

They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.

Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.

That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.

And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..

When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.

The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 7:04 am

man goes into an establishment for prostitution rather late, on a Friday night, and is told, "Sir, I'm sorry, but due to the late hour, all the girls are presently occupied. If you want a girl, I suggest you get here earlier, but we do have one attraction which may interest you."



The man responds, "What might that be?"



"A chicken." says the madam. "I know it doesn't sound like much, but we have always received favorable reviews from anyone who has had the chicken, and the price is only five dollars."



The man, with nothing else in store for the night, reluctantly agrees and pays the five dollars. The man has sex with the chicken and returns to the madam.



"Well, what did you think?" inquired the madam.



"You know, I had my doubts, but the chicken was fantastic! I'll try that again sometime!"



"Another satisfied customer," replied the madam as the man was leaving.



The following Friday, again at a late hour, he returns to the establishment and immediately requests the chicken.

"I'm sorry," said the madam, "but the chicken is busy, and all the girls are taken.

We hate to turn away repeat business," said the madam, "and I'm not supposed to do this, but we have a special attraction reserved for our best customers.

For five dollars you can watch two lesbians make love."



With the man clearly unconvinced, the madam continued her hard sell.



"Look, everyone says it's great. I didn't lie to you about the chicken, did I?"



Remembering the chicken, the man paid the five dollars. Upon entering the room, he paused to survey his surroundings in the dimly lit room.

He could make out several seats, arranged in a semi-circle, all facing what appeared to be a small stage enclosed by a panel of one way glass.

Only two other patrons occupied the seats, and on the stage were two beautiful lesbians deeply involved in satisfying each other.

Taking one of the available seats, he became mesmerized and realized he was very much enjoying the show.



Leaning over, he commented to another patron how surprised he was that he was enjoying the show so much.





The patron responded, "You should have been here last week! There was a guy here having sex with a chicken.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 7:15 am

Once upon a time ...

The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon." So the king hired the donkey instead.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

The practice is unbroken to this day...
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 12 Feb 2017, 10:49 am

^ donkey joke is gold
Bent Arrow
Staff Sergeant
Staff Sergeant
 
Posts: 753
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 12 Feb 2017, 12:31 pm

This is probably the only joke i can remember.... it's pretty bad.....

Met a pirate in the pub one night. He had a hook for a right hand and a patch on his right eye.
I mentioned that he must have been in some pretty tough scraps to have a hook for a hand and only one eye.
"No, no," say's he. "I lost me 'and when me wee little dog jumped over board and a shark took me dog and me 'and as i tried to scoop him up".
"But what about the eye", I say's.
"Well i was looking up at me mate in the crows nest and a seagull shyte in me eye. Lucky for some, they say. Not so much fer me!"
"I had no idea seagull shyte was so potent", I replied with surprise.
"Nah, matie. T'was me first day with the hook!"
User avatar
Gwion
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3978
-

Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 12 Feb 2017, 2:34 pm

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.....
Supaduke
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1230
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 12 Feb 2017, 2:36 pm

Two blondes walk into a bar

"Fark me, that really hurt!" Said the first one
Supaduke
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1230
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 12 Feb 2017, 2:39 pm

Sado-masicism, necrophillia, beastiality

Just flogging a dead horse really
Supaduke
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1230
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 12 Feb 2017, 2:41 pm

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and having sex?

Still f&@king no idea
Supaduke
Warrant Officer C2
Warrant Officer C2
 
Posts: 1230
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 12 Feb 2017, 6:20 pm

A bloke turns up at a brothel looking for service after it had closed for the night.
He pounds incessantly on the door, and eventually a light came on up on the second floor.

A window opens, and the madam leans out and calls down to the bloke.
What do you want she asked ?

"I wanna get myself screwed" the bloke yelled back.

So the madam lowers a little bucket on a rope, and she said,, You do realize this is after hours, but we will help you out,, so put $100 in the bucket.

The bloke puts $100 in the bucket, and the madam pulled it back up.

The bloke stands patiently by the door, but after 15 minutes had passed and no-one had opened the door,, he started to knock loudly on the door again.

The madam opened the upstairs window again and called out, Now what do you want ?

The bloke repeats,,, "I wanna get myself screwed"

The madam replied,, What,,,,,,,,, Again ?
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

PreviousNext

Back to top
 
Return to Off topic - General conversation