Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 06 Feb 2017, 5:39 pm

In a school from the rough end of town.


Teacher asks, What noise does a cow make ?
Sarah replies, Mooooo,

Very good says teacher,,,, What noise does a dog make ?
Simon replies, Woof Woof,

Very good says teacher,,,,, What noise does a pig make ?
Johhnie screams out,,, "I know this one Miss,,,,, Hands up you Mother f@#kers"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 6:46 am

Correct English Definition


I phoned a long standing friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".


(I was impressed......)



On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing the dishes with hot water ... under his wife's supervision!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 6:50 am

What a bloody rippa!

They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.

They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.

Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.

That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.

And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..

When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.

The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 7:04 am

man goes into an establishment for prostitution rather late, on a Friday night, and is told, "Sir, I'm sorry, but due to the late hour, all the girls are presently occupied. If you want a girl, I suggest you get here earlier, but we do have one attraction which may interest you."



The man responds, "What might that be?"



"A chicken." says the madam. "I know it doesn't sound like much, but we have always received favorable reviews from anyone who has had the chicken, and the price is only five dollars."



The man, with nothing else in store for the night, reluctantly agrees and pays the five dollars. The man has sex with the chicken and returns to the madam.



"Well, what did you think?" inquired the madam.



"You know, I had my doubts, but the chicken was fantastic! I'll try that again sometime!"



"Another satisfied customer," replied the madam as the man was leaving.



The following Friday, again at a late hour, he returns to the establishment and immediately requests the chicken.

"I'm sorry," said the madam, "but the chicken is busy, and all the girls are taken.

We hate to turn away repeat business," said the madam, "and I'm not supposed to do this, but we have a special attraction reserved for our best customers.

For five dollars you can watch two lesbians make love."



With the man clearly unconvinced, the madam continued her hard sell.



"Look, everyone says it's great. I didn't lie to you about the chicken, did I?"



Remembering the chicken, the man paid the five dollars. Upon entering the room, he paused to survey his surroundings in the dimly lit room.

He could make out several seats, arranged in a semi-circle, all facing what appeared to be a small stage enclosed by a panel of one way glass.

Only two other patrons occupied the seats, and on the stage were two beautiful lesbians deeply involved in satisfying each other.

Taking one of the available seats, he became mesmerized and realized he was very much enjoying the show.



Leaning over, he commented to another patron how surprised he was that he was enjoying the show so much.





The patron responded, "You should have been here last week! There was a guy here having sex with a chicken.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 7:15 am

Once upon a time ...

The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon." So the king hired the donkey instead.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

The practice is unbroken to this day...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 12 Feb 2017, 10:49 am

^ donkey joke is gold
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 12 Feb 2017, 12:31 pm

This is probably the only joke i can remember.... it's pretty bad.....

Met a pirate in the pub one night. He had a hook for a right hand and a patch on his right eye.
I mentioned that he must have been in some pretty tough scraps to have a hook for a hand and only one eye.
"No, no," say's he. "I lost me 'and when me wee little dog jumped over board and a shark took me dog and me 'and as i tried to scoop him up".
"But what about the eye", I say's.
"Well i was looking up at me mate in the crows nest and a seagull shyte in me eye. Lucky for some, they say. Not so much fer me!"
"I had no idea seagull shyte was so potent", I replied with surprise.
"Nah, matie. T'was me first day with the hook!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 12 Feb 2017, 2:34 pm

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.....
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 12 Feb 2017, 2:36 pm

Two blondes walk into a bar

"Fark me, that really hurt!" Said the first one
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 12 Feb 2017, 2:39 pm

Sado-masicism, necrophillia, beastiality

Just flogging a dead horse really
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Re: Jokes

Post by Supaduke » 12 Feb 2017, 2:41 pm

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and having sex?

Still f&@king no idea
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 12 Feb 2017, 6:20 pm

A bloke turns up at a brothel looking for service after it had closed for the night.
He pounds incessantly on the door, and eventually a light came on up on the second floor.

A window opens, and the madam leans out and calls down to the bloke.
What do you want she asked ?

"I wanna get myself screwed" the bloke yelled back.

So the madam lowers a little bucket on a rope, and she said,, You do realize this is after hours, but we will help you out,, so put $100 in the bucket.

The bloke puts $100 in the bucket, and the madam pulled it back up.

The bloke stands patiently by the door, but after 15 minutes had passed and no-one had opened the door,, he started to knock loudly on the door again.

The madam opened the upstairs window again and called out, Now what do you want ?

The bloke repeats,,, "I wanna get myself screwed"

The madam replied,, What,,,,,,,,, Again ?
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 9:31 pm

Gettin older.....jpg
Gettin older.....jpg (64.57 KiB) Viewed 7527 times
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Feb 2017, 9:33 pm

very dangerous practice...jpg
very dangerous practice...jpg (81.83 KiB) Viewed 7527 times
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 15 Feb 2017, 4:22 pm

A very drunk sailor hooks up with a prostitute.
They get into bed, and after a lot of commotion the sailor says to the prostitute,, "How am I going ?"

The prostitute said,,,,,, Your doing 3 knots matey.

The sailor didn't understand what she meant and said,,,,,,,,,, "What do you mean by that ?"


The prostitute replied,,,,,

Your not in,
Your not hard,
and your not getting yer money back.

:lol: :lol:
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I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Cooper » 17 Feb 2017, 4:48 pm

Why do cowes wear bells?
Because their horns don't work!


What do banks and sex have in common?
When you withdraw you lose interest!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 18 Feb 2017, 6:36 am

Three nuns died in a terrible car accident.
They go up to heaven and St. peter is waiting at the gates, he tells them that before they enter heaven they must answer the question they are faced with correctly or they will go to hell.

the first nun gets asked "what was the first man called?"
She replys "Adam"
"correct" he says "u can go into heaven now"

The second nun gets asked "what was the first woman called?"
"Eve"
"yeh, u may enter"

The third nun goes up, Peter says "Because u are the mother superior u get a more difficult question... what was the first thing eve said to adam when they met"
she thought for a little bit and then said
"wow... thats a hard one..."
"Correct !!.. u can go into heaven now!"
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
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Re: Jokes

Post by gazza » 18 Feb 2017, 7:45 am

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 18 Feb 2017, 9:19 am

gazza wrote:I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


I had some tree hugging commie come up to me a few weeks ago as I was having a smoke on a park bench. He says, "You know, there are kids around here, you shouldn't smoke. And that stuff is going to kill you. What is wrong with you?"

I say, "My great grandfather lived to the age of 99."

"And he smoked?"

"He minded his own fuggin business."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 24 Feb 2017, 10:17 am

How many shooters does it take to change a light bulb???

57
1 to change the light bulb and the rest to stand around arguing over what is the best type of light for the application, what wattage to use, LED or Fluro, which brand offer the best solutions...............
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Feb 2017, 8:42 pm

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Feb 2017, 8:46 pm

Dad n Dave took two stuffed dogs to an antiques road show,

Ooh said the presenter this is a rare set , produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated out of London at the turn of the last century.

Do you have any ideas what they would fetch if they were in good condition ?



Sticks ...... said Dave
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Re: Jokes

Post by GLS_1956 » 27 Feb 2017, 5:21 am

During the Second World War, a newly commissioned Second Lieutenant joined his army division in the North African desert. After a few weeks at the base he started having the urges that one would expect from a young and virile man might have. So the young officer went to his First Sergeant with this problem, at which time the First Sergeant told him. "Well Sir, when we get that need, we just make use of Mabel, who's out behind the motor pool."

The lieutenant hurried out to the back of the motor pool where he came to a small corral with a female camel in it and a sign that read "Mabel". Staring dumfounded the lieutenant shook his head in disgust and left, swearing he'd never resort to such an act. Well more weeks passed and the now the Second Lieutenant decided that if the rest of the troop made use of the camel so would he, so he went to the pen and using a handy step stool he climbed up behind the old camel and started to seek his release.

At this time the old First Sergeant came around the end of the motor pool building just to see the lieutenant as he was starting. The young man looked at the Sergeant and exclaimed. "Damn it Sarge! You said that you and the men used 'Mabel', when the need got too great."

"Yes Sir", replied the Sergeant, "but we usually just ride her the five mile into town where there is a whore house."
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 27 Feb 2017, 10:34 pm

Fark me you mob crack me up... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Was told this one today....

A couple of blokes were on the piss together…

After a while, one asked the other "If I was to sneak over to your house and made love to your wife while you were at work and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" ???

Well, said the other…..

I don't think it would make us related, but it sure as hell would make us even mate….!!!

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Title_II » 27 Feb 2017, 11:50 pm

Darwindingo has dominated this thread :D

And, for the record, I didn't see nothing but I might come home with a little mud on my boots.
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Re: Jokes

Post by bladeracer » 28 Feb 2017, 12:11 am

Oldbloke wrote:
Gettin older.....jpg



Looks like Barry, from Moss Pawn & Guns :-)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 28 Feb 2017, 1:52 am

darwindingo wrote:Fark me you mob crack me up... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Was told this one today....

A couple of blokes were on the piss together…

After a while, one asked the other "If I was to sneak over to your house and made love to your wife while you were at work and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" ???

Well, said the other…..

I don't think it would make us related, but it sure as hell would make us even mate….!!!

:lol:


:lol: :thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 01 Mar 2017, 7:48 pm

The three greatest forms of communication are,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,














1) Telephone,
2) Television
3) Tellawoman
:D
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I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 01 Mar 2017, 9:35 pm

:lol:

I'm thinking "Tellawoman" could be rather risky... :) (I'd suggest avoidance behavior would be the best course of action regarding such circumstances) As it sounds like a rather dangerous and risky means of communication to me.. Particularly if the "telling", accurately pertained to how much your guns really cost : Image :shock:
Last edited by darwindingo on 02 Mar 2017, 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

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Re: Jokes

Post by sandgroperbill » 01 Mar 2017, 10:20 pm

A masochist says to a sadist "hurt me". The sadist says no
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