Jokes

General conversation and chit chat - The place for non-shooting specific topics. Introduce yourself here.

Re: Jokes

Post by Cooper » 08 Feb 2018, 2:41 pm

During the medical examination of a female patient the doctor says "your heart, lungs,pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts to take off her nickers but is stopped by the doctor,
"No, no.....I meant for you to stick out your tongue!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Feb 2018, 9:20 pm

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles; there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose" the husband responded dryly "we could clean the house".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Feb 2018, 9:22 pm

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. Presenter: "Wow!! This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks!" says Paddy.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 16 Feb 2018, 11:31 am

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the cobbled streets of a small French village. One says to the other, "I like this village, I've never come this way before."
To which the other replied, "It's probably the cobblestones."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 22 Feb 2018, 6:16 pm

For the ladies
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 22 Feb 2018, 6:17 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 22 Feb 2018, 9:48 pm

The missus has been on and on about upgrading to a new fandangle bag less vacuum…

Although I can agree the concept of a bag less vacuum sounds sound’s like a pretty bloody good idea to me... :thumbsup:

I’m just a little suspicious that it means that vacuuming is going to be my job from now on… :thumbsdown:

I ask what the hell is the old bag going to do now ? :lol:
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 22 Feb 2018, 10:06 pm

Oldbloke wrote:Its a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. Shes wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, Now, tell HIM you have a headache.

True story


GOLD...!!! :clap:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 22 Feb 2018, 10:19 pm

Two mates having their ritual beer at the bar on a friday night....

Mick says to Dave "mate ive bad news, i cant come out for beers any more"...
Dave--"why not mate, whats up...?"

Mick--"its the missus, she hates it that i get home so late & stinking of beer & she says i make too much noise...i do my best to keep quiet when i get home, i park the car on the street so as to keep noise down, i take my shoes off at the door & get undressed in the lounge room, i tip toe to the bedroom & very carefully peel the covers back & ever so slowly get into bed...and no matter how quiet i am she always wakes up & gives me a hard time...!!!"

Dave--"ah mate see there's your problem...!!!... you need to take a leaf out of my book fella...see when i get home i rev the guts outa the ol' V8 in the drive, i fumble the keys as loud as i can at the door & slam it shut, i stomp to the bedroom & kick me boots off into the wardrobe door--'bang thwang', i peel off me clothes n chuck em accross the room & rip the covers clean off the bed, do a big sui dive onto the matress, & then i give the ol'girl a slap on the rump & say 'so hows about a good bit a bumpin uglies for ya hard workin man eh love'...
And fair dinkum mate i tell ya, she dont move a muscle & i dont hear a bludy peep...!!!..."
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by darwindingo » 22 Feb 2018, 10:23 pm

Stix wrote:Two mates having their ritual beer at the bar on a friday night....

Mick says to Dave "mate ive bad news, i cant come out for beers any more"...
Dave--"why not mate, whats up...?"

Mick--"its the missus, she hates it that i get home so late & stinking of beer & she says i make too much noise...i do my best to keep quiet when i get home, i park the car on the street so as to keep noise down, i take my shoes off at the door & get undressed in the lounge room, i tip toe to the bedroom & very carefully peel the covers back & ever so slowly get into bed...and no matter how quiet i am she always wakes up & gives me a hard time...!!!"

Dave--"ah mate see there's your problem...!!!... you need to take a leaf out of my book fella...see when i get home i rev the guts outa the ol' V8 in the drive, i fumble the keys as loud as i can at the door & slam it shut, i stomp to the bedroom & kick me boots off into the wardrobe door--'bang thwang', i peel off me clothes n chuck em accross the room & rip the covers clean off the bed, do a big sui dive onto the matress, & then i give the ol'girl a slap on the rump & say 'so hows about a good bit a bumpin uglies for ya hard workin man eh love'...
And fair dinkum mate i tell ya, she dont move a muscle & i dont hear a bludy peep...!!!..."


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: That's a ripper.. !!
“Accidental Discharges” DO NOT OCCUR !!

An "Unintended Discharge" is nothing more than the lack of appropriate safety procedures or the failure to follow them..!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 23 Feb 2018, 1:04 am

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 23 Feb 2018, 6:18 am

A good laugh to start the day fellas :thumbsup: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 23 Feb 2018, 6:15 pm

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whaddaya gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, mate," the bikie says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, buy a drink, drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But hell, enough about me, how’s your day been?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 25 Feb 2018, 3:17 pm

He he
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 Feb 2018, 6:44 pm

Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....

Still think you 're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business..
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.


Still having a bad day?Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you arehaving a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you 're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILLhaving a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 27 Feb 2018, 11:47 am

I was sitting at the computer the other day,
drafting my will, and I called out to my wife,



"WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, MY LOVE!



She shouted back,

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!"
--
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day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gwion » 27 Feb 2018, 1:51 pm

Hahaha... sounds familiar!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 27 Feb 2018, 3:58 pm

Oldbloke wrote:Think you are having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....

Still think you 're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business..
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.


Still having a bad day?Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you arehaving a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you 're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILLhaving a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.



Suddenly my day seems pretty f@#kin good!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Feb 2018, 5:45 pm

Yeah, they weren't bad were they.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Mar 2018, 9:54 pm

Old geezers..

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is petrol!

Dr. Geezer: "CongratulationsYou've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything. Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is petrol!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 03 Mar 2018, 3:03 pm

Gotta love eBay
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Mar 2018, 3:22 pm

Gaznazdiak wrote:Gotta love eBay


Very good. :thumbsup: :clap: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 03 Mar 2018, 3:23 pm

Me?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Mar 2018, 7:47 pm

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is SOCCER

The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY

The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET

The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS

and

The sport of choice for corporate executives and ceo's is GOLF

The amazing fact is that the higher you go on the corporate structure, is the smaller your balls become.

There must be a stack of people in CANBERRA playing marbles!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Cryptic » 09 Mar 2018, 6:50 pm

What do you call it without pissing her off. Bag rest, BI pod?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 09 Mar 2018, 10:32 pm

Cryptic wrote:What do you call it without pissing her off. Bag rest, BI pod?

28795734_1873109532760100_684705120847396864_n.jpg


Thats it... I am teaching my missus to do handstands!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
Ps maybe it's a shooting fork!! :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 10 Mar 2018, 11:36 am

Daddybang wrote:
Ps maybe it's a shooting fork!! :drinks:


Forked if I know ???
:unknown:
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I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 10 Mar 2018, 11:46 am

A young family is out for a drive one day, and not knowingly they were following along behind Lorena Bobbitt's car.

Suddenly something splattered onto the windscreen and slid off onto the roadside.

"What the heck was that ?" said little Johnnie from the back seat.

The father replied saying "It's ok, it was just a flying bug."

Little Johnnie said,,,,,, "Well that bug sure had a big d!ck"
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 10 Mar 2018, 12:16 pm

Man comes home to find his matemaking love to his wife so he stabs him
to death

. . . his wife says "carry on like that and you'll have no mates left".
--
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day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Mar 2018, 8:00 am

James, 4, was listening to a Bible story.

His dad read: a man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee from the city but his wife looked back and was turned into salt.

Rather concerned by this, James asked, What happened to the flea?

Cheers
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