Jokes

General conversation and chit chat - The place for non-shooting specific topics. Introduce yourself here.

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 22 Mar 2018, 7:47 pm

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog for Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

You talk? he asks.

Sure do, the dog replies.

So, whats your story?

The dog looks up and begins telling his story, Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired.

The bloke is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

The owner says, Ten dollars.

The bloke says, this dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?

Cause hes a liar. He didnt do any of that stuff!
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 Mar 2018, 10:45 pm

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, Ill give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO....
Johnny said, Ill be fast. Ill throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and Ill be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he wont even be able to get his Pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, The bastard used coins!
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it or risk getting screwed an uncountable times!
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 28 Mar 2018, 4:12 pm

A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 top shelf single malt whiskeys. The bartender lines them up and the guy tosses them all back, bam!, one after the other in super quick time before the bartender has even put down the bottle. And the bartender is amazed and says to him "wow, I've never seen anyone ever drink so much fine and expensive whiskey that quickly. And the guy says "well, you'd drink them quickly too if you had what I've got". And the bartender asks "so what have have you got?" and the guy replies "Fifty cents".
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 28 Mar 2018, 4:45 pm

:lol:
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
Stix
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3675
South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 28 Mar 2018, 9:59 pm

:lol: good one
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 01 Apr 2018, 7:15 pm

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....
'Your house'
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 01 Apr 2018, 7:51 pm

z.jpg
z.jpg (108.3 KiB) Viewed 7805 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Apr 2018, 8:32 pm

A proud mother telephoned a Sunday newspaper to announce she had given birth to eight children. The line was bad, and the operator didn't hear the message. "Would you repeat that?" the operator asked. "Not if I can help it" said the mother.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Apr 2018, 8:34 pm

Going to bed the other night I noticed there were a couple of young guys stealing stuff from my shed.

I immediately rang "000" and was told there were no Police available right now, but they would come when some came back from jobs they were currently attending to.

I hung up, about a minute later I rang them back and said "No need to come now - I just shot them".

Within minutes there were 10 Police cars in the area, a helicopter hovering over the house, and an armed response unit.

They caught the burglars in the shed red-handed.

One of the officers said to me , "Ï thought you said you shot them".

To which I replied, "I thought you said, you had no-one available".
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Apr 2018, 8:52 pm

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, Where is the rake?

She can't hear him and shouts back, What?

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, What? The man repeats his gestures, mouthing EYE KNEE THE RAKE.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, What in the heck was that?

She replies, EYE LEFT TIT BEHIND THE BUSH.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Apr 2018, 9:07 pm

billy.jpeg
billy.jpeg (70.84 KiB) Viewed 7753 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 07 Apr 2018, 8:45 pm

Bloke arrives home and asks the missus what she would do if he won tattslotto ?

She says "i would take half the money and leave you".

Bloke hands her $10 and says "I won $20, take this and piss off".
Tiger650
Corporal
Corporal
 
Posts: 451
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 07 Apr 2018, 11:11 pm

Several blokes were on a hunting trip in the wilds of Nth Queensland, when bad weather closed in and they were stranded by flood waters and surrounded by crocs.

One of the guys got on the radio and managed to get in touch with emergency services.
The reception was pretty poor and with a lot of static.
The guy tried his best to explain their situation, and said that they urgently needed assistance.

"Please send a punt and a canoe as quick as possible" he said.

The emergency services officer replied a few minutes later, and said,,,,,,,,,

Malcolm Turnbull is on his way,,,,,,,, but can you explain what a Panoe is ??????
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 08 Apr 2018, 3:47 pm

One Friday arvo the teacher gave the children the following problem to solve over the weekend.
“The Indian Pacific is westbound, travelling at 95km per hour, and there is a 747 travelling east at 400kts. The pilot accidentally drops his cigarette lighter out the window, it falls down 36,000ft and hits the train engineer on the head. Now how old am I she asked.”
Quite perplexed the kids left the classroom wondering how on earth they would solve the problem.
Well Monday come around and all the kids were seated in class, and no one seemed to be able to answer the question, well except for little Johnny who had his hand up.
“Yes little Johnny, have you solved the problem?” The teacher asked.
Little Johnny says “Miss, you are 38 years old”.
“That is amazing Johnny, how did you work it out?”
Little Johnny says “ Miss it was easy, my brother is 19 years old, and already in a mental asylum, and you’re twice as ****** mad as he is”.
User avatar
JimTom
Second Lieutenant
Second Lieutenant
 
Posts: 2130
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Apr 2018, 6:04 pm

:lol: Not bad scooter
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 08 Apr 2018, 8:35 pm

Thanks Oldbloke. I do my best.
User avatar
JimTom
Second Lieutenant
Second Lieutenant
 
Posts: 2130
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 08 Apr 2018, 9:16 pm

I was out near Charters Towers the other day on a bit of a hunt and I come across and old mine shaft from bit of a rush they’d had there quite some time ago.
Curious to see how deep it was I dropped a stone down to gage the depth. Nothing.
I wandered out a few yards and found a larger stone and once again dropped it in.......still nothing.
Being the curious type I walked out towards and old railway line and found an old sleeper, carried it back about 50 yards or so and dropped that down.., still nothing.
But all of a sudden this wild goat appeared out of nowhere, charged straight at me them dived head first straight down the old mine shaft.
Well buggar me I thought.
Whilst sitting there pondering what had just happened, an old bushy walked up to me and asked me if I’d seen a goat.
“Well mate yes I have, he charged me and then jumped straight down that mine shaft.” I said to the old bushy.
“Nah that couldn’t be mine”, say the old bushy, “mine was tied to a railway sleeper”.
User avatar
JimTom
Second Lieutenant
Second Lieutenant
 
Posts: 2130
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Bills Shed » 09 Apr 2018, 6:27 am

Classic
Swaging your own projectiles is the ultimate in flexibility.
Bills Shed
Corporal
Corporal
 
Posts: 433
Tasmania

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 09 Apr 2018, 8:06 am

A bloke walks into a bar and he's clearly in a filthy mood. He orders a beer and sits there drinking it with the anger wafting off him like stink waves.
The bartender wanders over and says: Mate, I don't mean to pry but you seem upset. Do you want to talk about it?
And the bloke says: Ah well, I was in Court today. The prosecutor had it in for me, my lawyer seemed uninterested, and then the judge threw the book at me. All lawyers are arseholes!
And this little bloke in a suit who's been sitting quietly at the end of the bar sipping his beer pipes up and says: Hey! I resent that remark!
And the bloke sneers at him and says: Why? I suppose you're a lawyer are you?
And the guys says" No, I'm an areshole.
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 09 Apr 2018, 11:21 pm

A young bloke just out of high school starts his first ever job.
A job in the local general store.
The owner says to him, you watch me and how I deal with customers, and if you can follow along the same method, you'll make a good salesman.

The first customer comes in and asks for a packet of lawn seed.
Certainly said the shop keeper, that'll be $1.50, but would you like a hose and sprinkler as well ?

What ? said the customer.

Well if you plant the lawn seed, you'll need a hose and sprinkler to water it said the shop keeper.

Oh yeah,,, said the customer.

Well, you'll probly also need some fertilizer, and also a lawn mower said the keeper.

Yeah,,, no worries said the customer as he paid the total bill of what was now just on $500

After the customer left, the keeper said to the young fellah,,,,,,,, You see, I turned a $1.50 sale into a $500 sale.
You serve the next customer and see how good a salesman you can be.

A little later a woman walks in and asks for a packet of Tampons,,,,,,,,,

Certainly madam the young fella said,,,,, but would you like a lawn mower to go with the Tampons ?

Excuse me she said,,,,,,,,,,,,, what do you mean by that ???

Well said the young fellah,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, your weekend is f@cked,,,, you might as well make yourself useful and mow the lawns.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 16 Apr 2018, 8:37 pm

Suicide talkdown / councelling.

Shiela is standing atop a cliff, clearly distraught and threating to jump.

A shriveled old flyblown dero slides up beside her and says:

"Since you are going to be dead in a few minutes it will not matter so how about a f$c# ?

She rounds on him and shrieks stuff about non-empathetic perverts and generally knocks him back.

He looks her and says "I'll just go and wait below then".

She did not jump.
Tiger650
Corporal
Corporal
 
Posts: 451
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 24 Apr 2018, 3:57 pm

A gorilla is taking a stroll through the jungle when he spies a lion crouching down to take a drink from the creek. And the gorilla is a bit of a practical joker so he thinks he'll have some fun with the "King of the Jungle". So he sneaks up behind the lion, grabs him by the haunches and simulates dry humping him. Well, the lion is not best pleased and is roaring and clawing trying to get the gorilla off him but the gorilla is too strong. Then it occurs to the gorilla that this may not end well since the lion is royally pissed off. So he uses all his strength and flings the lion into the bushes and legs it in the opposite direction. Well, the lion springs to his feet and roars "I'll kill ya, ya bastard" and he takes off after the gorilla. Now, the gorilla only has short little back legs and he can hear the lion crashing through the bushes catching up to him so he's really starting to panic. Just then, the gorilla bursts into a clearing in the forest and sees a safari camp all set up but the hunters are not there so he grabs a newspaper and a pith helmet and sits down in one of the camp chairs. Seconds later the lion springs into the clearing. Looking around he can't see the gorilla but he spots the figure seated in a camp chair reading a newspaper.
So the lion walks over and says "Hey, did you see a gorilla come running through here?"
And the gorilla, shaking behind the newspaper says "d-d-do you mean the gorilla that just nailed the King of the Jungle in the keester?"
And the lion says "Aw sh*t, it's in the papers already?"
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Jun 2018, 8:09 pm

drill.jpeg
drill.jpeg (52.12 KiB) Viewed 7351 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 12 Jun 2018, 7:12 pm

A prominent left wing politician decided it would be a good idea to try and boost it's profile in the bush, so it donned an Akubra and headed west.

While talking to some bushies, this politician was constantly being pestered by flies, you know the one's, the little sticky ones, they are called horsetail flies, as they mainly are found around the back end of a horse.

Now far be it for me to suggest the politician was the back end of a horse, but at the end of the day, you can't fool those flies, they sure know their territory and can spot a horses arse a long way off.
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Jun 2018, 7:19 pm

Member-Deleted wrote:A prominent left wing politician decided it would be a good idea to try and boost it's profile in the bush, so it donned an Akubra and headed west.

While talking to some bushies, this politician was constantly being pestered by flies, you know the one's, the little sticky ones, they are called horsetail flies, as they mainly are found around the back end of a horse.

Now far be it for me to suggest the politician was the back end of a horse, but at the end of the day, you can't fool those flies, they sure know their territory and can spot a horses arse a long way off.


Was that Barnaby? :lol:
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 12 Jun 2018, 7:31 pm

Oldbloke wrote:
Member-Deleted wrote:A prominent left wing politician decided it would be a good idea to try and boost it's profile in the bush, so it donned an Akubra and headed west.

While talking to some bushies, this politician was constantly being pestered by flies, you know the one's, the little sticky ones, they are called horsetail flies, as they mainly are found around the back end of a horse.

Now far be it for me to suggest the politician was the back end of a horse, but at the end of the day, you can't fool those flies, they sure know their territory and can spot a horses arse a long way off.


Was that Barnaby? :lol:


Left wing mate, left wing, take your pick, but a bloke with a big forehead or a woman with an unpronounceable name that likes shafting farmers come to mind. :D
Member-Deleted
 

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 16 Jun 2018, 5:54 pm

Mossie Killere 01.jpg
Mossie Killere 01.jpg (86.22 KiB) Viewed 7244 times
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 18 Jun 2018, 12:45 pm

Oldbloke wrote:
Mossie Killere 01.jpg


That's only a tad better than putting a leaf of lettuce in between two rocks and sprinkling pepper on it.
Then waiting for a rabbit to try eating the lettuce,,,,, sneezing,, and knocking itself unconscious on the rocks.
:thumbsdown:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
User avatar
Die Judicii
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 3706
Queensland

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 18 Jun 2018, 8:26 pm

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure,"
and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 19 Jun 2018, 10:13 pm

I picked up a hitchhiker the other night and he asked me how did I know that he was not a serial killer.

I replied that the chances of two serial killers in the same car , were astronomical.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Hunt safe.
User avatar
Oldbloke
Field Marshal
Field Marshal
 
Posts: 11192
Victoria

PreviousNext

Back to top
 
Return to Off topic - General conversation