Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 05 Aug 2017, 10:42 pm

A young fellow is doing a study on fruit trees as part of his uni course.
During a field trip to an orchard that specialized in grafted trees and the resultant fruits, the owner of the orchard said to the young fella,,,,,
"I reckon I've got one tree in particular that you would love,, come over here and check it out. It's called The eighteen year old Virgin tree."

He plucks off a beautiful looking ripe fruit and passes it to the young fella to taste.

The young fella takes a big bite,,,, then screws up his face in disgust and spits it out.
Yuk he said,,, that tastes like sh!t.

The orchard owner just chuckled and said,,,,, Turn it over young fella.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 06 Aug 2017, 12:59 pm

A bloke wakes up one morning to find a small lump in between his eyebrows. Disturbed by this he goes to see his GP.
After some tests the doc calls him back to the surgery for the results.
"Well this is a quite rare condition" the doctor said, "you seem to have a penis starting to grow from your forehead, it should be full grown in about 6 months."
"What," exclaimed the horrified man, "you mean in 6 months I'll look in the mirror and see a full sized penis sticking out of my forehead?"
"Of course not" replied the doctor, "the balls will hang over your eyes."
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 06 Aug 2017, 10:47 pm

Supaduke wrote:
IMG_0805.JPG


Ah, The Far Side - brilliant. Interesting that the artist "quit while he was ahead" instead of allowing himself to burn out like the Dilbert guy, who isn't that funny anymore.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 07 Aug 2017, 12:09 pm

Paddy Murphy suspects that Mrs Murphy is doing the jiggerypokery with Declan O'Toole from next door.
Deciding to catch her at it, Paddy tells her he's working late when he leaves in the morning.
That evening Paddy was hiding in the bushes over the road from his house, and sure enough, shortly after dark young Declan hopped over the fence and disappeared into Paddy's house.
Poor old Paddy paced up and down, muttering darkly to himself, for a few minutes to give the treacherous pair time to get busy. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he stomped across the road to the house and on into the bedroom. Sure enough, there they were, in flagrante delecto!
"You cheatin' feckin' trollop" shouted the outraged Paddy. Dashing to the wardrobe, Paddy pulls out his old double barrelled shotgun, cocks the hammers and puts the muzzle under his chin.
At this development, Mrs Murphy starts laughing uproariously.
"Go on, laugh it up" yelled Paddy, your bloody next ya cow."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 08 Aug 2017, 11:11 am

After an initial rush of excitement in Ireland at the introduction of a new form of gambling, the game of Russian Roulette failed to maintain popularity after the first 6mths.
No one had bothered to explain to them that the pistol had to be a revolver.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 10:59 am

Shamus, Patrick and Michael always headed straight for the village pub after work, but today Shamus tells the boys he won't be joining them because his dog has died and he has to bury him.
After offering their condolences the other two head for the pub.
When two hours had gone past without a sign of Shamus, his mates decide he must be too depressed and that they had better go and fetch him back to the pub to cheer him up.
Getting to Shamus's house, they walk round to the back yard where they find a small hole, a slightly bigger hole, the dead collie in a big hessian bag and Shamus sweating away with a mattock at a third hole.
"Shamus lad, what are ye doing?" asked Michael.
"I'm doing what I said I'd be doing, I'm burying me bloody dog" said Shamus.
"But why are ye digging three holes, though?' asked Patrick
"Are those eyes of yours painted on, Patrick Doyle, ye great eejit? The first two weren't fecking big enough."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 09 Aug 2017, 11:24 am

Good one :lol:
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 11:25 am

Something I've always wondered about:
If 6 people arguing a point is called a debate, does that mean that 60 politicians arguing a point is a mass debate?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 12:03 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 12:05 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Aug 2017, 1:12 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by duncan61 » 09 Aug 2017, 6:47 pm

They must be eastern greys cos west aussie roos dont do that
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 09 Aug 2017, 8:03 pm

Enough of your Irish jokes, make up some fooking Muslim ones .

There was an Irish Preacher, a bloody firebrand and not fond of the english, speaking to the flock re the last supper.

"Jesus asked Michael, " Michael, would it be you that would be betraying me to the authorities" ?

Michael said " No Begorrah, 'tis not me.

"Jesus asked Paul, " Paul, would it be you that would be betraying me to the authorities" ?

Paul said " No Begorrah, 'tis not me.

Jesus turned to Judas and asked, Judas, would it be you that would be betraying me to the authorities" ?

Judas replied, "My dear chap, I am astounded that you could suspect such".
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Re: Jokes

Post by gazza » 09 Aug 2017, 8:54 pm

A man was driving home when he saw a refugee eating grass on the side of the road. He pulled over and asked if he would like to come to his house for something to eat. The refugee asked if he could bring his family too. The man said, I only have a small lawn.
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Re: Jokes

Post by gazza » 09 Aug 2017, 9:02 pm

I tried to buy some camouflage shorts today but I couldn't find any.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 10 Aug 2017, 10:54 am

This on's just for you tiger
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 10 Aug 2017, 11:00 am

What do Pyongyang and Hiroshima have in common?

Nothing, yet.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 10 Aug 2017, 11:04 am

Tiger,
How do the people in your request for humor have safe sex?
They check that the camel doesn't kick.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 10 Aug 2017, 11:05 am

Did you hear about the Christian Iraqi?

He was a shyte Muslim.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 10 Aug 2017, 11:34 am

:lol: :thumbsup:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 10 Aug 2017, 11:43 am

A young man is hiking alone in a bleak mountain range when he becomes disoriented in a storm and finds himself hopelessly lost.
Night falls, the storm turns to a blizzard and the man fears he'll frreeze to death. Weak and cold he staggers into a clearing and sees a light ahead.
The man has just enough energy to stagger to the door of a large stone building that looms out of the swirling snow.
After banging for some time, he is finally let in by a tonsured monk.
After a soak in a hot bath and a meal, the man is feeling much better. The monk looking after him tells him he has arrived on their entertainment night and invites the man to join them in the great hall of the monastary.
Once in the hall the man is seated with the others and the Abbott takes the stage to get proceedings underway.
"Who will be first?" asks the Abbott.
Dozens of monks put up their hands, the Abbott points to one, the monk stands, clears his throat and says "21".
The man is bemused by the laughter in response to this.
One after the other monks are chosen, stand and say a number and the audience would laugh.
Thinking he must have wandered into an asylum, he politely asks his guide what is going on.
"It's joke night" replied the monk, "but we only know a few and we've heard them so many times that we numbered them. Someone says the number, we remember the joke, see?"
Wanting to fit in after the kindness show him, the man asks if he can have a turn.
Given permission, the man stands and after consideration, says "164".
Riotous hilarity ensues with monks falling about laughing helplessly.
Wondering at the result, the man finally calms his companion enough to ask what was so funny.
At last catching his breath, the monk replied, "We haven't heard that one before".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 10 Aug 2017, 5:14 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 11 Aug 2017, 12:13 pm

:mrgreen: 9
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 11 Aug 2017, 12:14 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 11 Aug 2017, 12:16 pm

:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 11 Aug 2017, 3:26 pm

I have a couple of horses and a couple of rifles and a bottle of rum!!!! Friday night entertainment is sorted :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 11 Aug 2017, 5:29 pm

Hey daddybang, I'd be careful with those plans, my horse is a hopeless shot when he's been drinking rum. Spooky good when he drinks beer though, go figure.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 12 Aug 2017, 5:44 pm

Rural crime is reaching epidemic proportions.

Even the rabbits have started installing home security.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 12 Aug 2017, 9:08 pm

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 12 Aug 2017, 9:34 pm

A young lady was walking down the street one day when she came upon a ladder leaning against the side of a building, a sign hanging on the ladder said "Climb This Ladder To Success!"
Her curiosity piqued, she climbed the ladder up to the roof of the building, where she found a naked, hairy old fat man who grinned at her and said "Hi, I'm Cess "
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