Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Feb 2018, 5:45 pm

Yeah, they weren't bad were they.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 02 Mar 2018, 9:54 pm

Old geezers..

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is petrol!

Dr. Geezer: "CongratulationsYou've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything. Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is petrol!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 03 Mar 2018, 3:03 pm

Gotta love eBay
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Mar 2018, 3:22 pm

Gaznazdiak wrote:Gotta love eBay


Very good. :thumbsup: :clap: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 03 Mar 2018, 3:23 pm

Me?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Mar 2018, 7:47 pm

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is SOCCER

The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY

The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET

The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS

and

The sport of choice for corporate executives and ceo's is GOLF

The amazing fact is that the higher you go on the corporate structure, is the smaller your balls become.

There must be a stack of people in CANBERRA playing marbles!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Cryptic » 09 Mar 2018, 6:50 pm

What do you call it without pissing her off. Bag rest, BI pod?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 09 Mar 2018, 10:32 pm

Cryptic wrote:What do you call it without pissing her off. Bag rest, BI pod?

28795734_1873109532760100_684705120847396864_n.jpg


Thats it... I am teaching my missus to do handstands!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
Ps maybe it's a shooting fork!! :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 10 Mar 2018, 11:36 am

Daddybang wrote:
Ps maybe it's a shooting fork!! :drinks:


Forked if I know ???
:unknown:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 10 Mar 2018, 11:46 am

A young family is out for a drive one day, and not knowingly they were following along behind Lorena Bobbitt's car.

Suddenly something splattered onto the windscreen and slid off onto the roadside.

"What the heck was that ?" said little Johnnie from the back seat.

The father replied saying "It's ok, it was just a flying bug."

Little Johnnie said,,,,,, "Well that bug sure had a big d!ck"
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Re: Jokes

Post by BRNO_Bigot » 10 Mar 2018, 12:16 pm

Man comes home to find his matemaking love to his wife so he stabs him
to death

. . . his wife says "carry on like that and you'll have no mates left".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 12 Mar 2018, 8:00 am

James, 4, was listening to a Bible story.

His dad read: a man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee from the city but his wife looked back and was turned into salt.

Rather concerned by this, James asked, What happened to the flea?

Cheers
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Re: Jokes

Post by COLLECTOR 1 » 15 Mar 2018, 9:14 pm

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,

"Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with a chest to die for...

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,

“Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,

"I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,

"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I’ve ever seen.

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Mar 2018, 9:41 pm

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!
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Re: Jokes

Post by juststarting » 15 Mar 2018, 9:53 pm

Oldbloke made a funny. Love it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAryFIuRxmQ
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 19 Mar 2018, 10:07 pm

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 19 Mar 2018, 10:10 pm

Two old men were sitting on a park bench discussing their love lives. One told the other "I had sex with a 30-year-old three times last night!" "Wow" his friend said "you must be using that Viagra". "Nope" the man replied "I know a secret: wheat bread. Eat lots of it and you can make love for hours. The second man dashed off to the nearest grocery store and bought eight loaves of wheat bread. At the checkout counter the cashier said "That's a lot of bread. It will probably get hard before you're done eating it all". "Well, I'll be damned" the man said. "Does everybody know about this but me?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 19 Mar 2018, 10:32 pm

:lol: This one is for Brett.

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porn shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the bosss positive comments he finally agrees. A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, How much for the white dildo?

He answers, $35.

White Woman: How much for the black one?

Guy: $35 for the black one, they are the same price. She: I think Ill take the black one. Ive never had a black one before. She pays him, and off she goes.

A little while later a black woman comes in and asks How much for the black dildo?

Guy: $35.

Black Woman: How much for the white one?

Guy: $35 for the white one also, they are the same price.

Black Woman: HmmmI think Ill take the white one. Ive never had a white one before She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, How much are your dildos?

Guy: $35 for the white, $35 for the black.

Blonde: Hmmm.how much is that plaid one on the shelf?

Guy: Well, thats a very special dildoitll cost you $150. She thinks for a moment and answers, Ill take the plaid one, Ive never had a plaid one before. She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guys boss returns and asks, How did you do while I was gone? The salesman responded,

Guy: I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 22 Mar 2018, 7:47 pm

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog for Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

You talk? he asks.

Sure do, the dog replies.

So, whats your story?

The dog looks up and begins telling his story, Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired.

The bloke is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

The owner says, Ten dollars.

The bloke says, this dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?

Cause hes a liar. He didnt do any of that stuff!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 25 Mar 2018, 10:45 pm

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, Ill give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO....
Johnny said, Ill be fast. Ill throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and Ill be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he wont even be able to get his Pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, The bastard used coins!
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it or risk getting screwed an uncountable times!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 28 Mar 2018, 4:12 pm

A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 top shelf single malt whiskeys. The bartender lines them up and the guy tosses them all back, bam!, one after the other in super quick time before the bartender has even put down the bottle. And the bartender is amazed and says to him "wow, I've never seen anyone ever drink so much fine and expensive whiskey that quickly. And the guy says "well, you'd drink them quickly too if you had what I've got". And the bartender asks "so what have have you got?" and the guy replies "Fifty cents".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 28 Mar 2018, 4:45 pm

:lol:
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 28 Mar 2018, 9:59 pm

:lol: good one
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 01 Apr 2018, 7:15 pm

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....
'Your house'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 01 Apr 2018, 7:51 pm

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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Apr 2018, 8:32 pm

A proud mother telephoned a Sunday newspaper to announce she had given birth to eight children. The line was bad, and the operator didn't hear the message. "Would you repeat that?" the operator asked. "Not if I can help it" said the mother.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Apr 2018, 8:34 pm

Going to bed the other night I noticed there were a couple of young guys stealing stuff from my shed.

I immediately rang "000" and was told there were no Police available right now, but they would come when some came back from jobs they were currently attending to.

I hung up, about a minute later I rang them back and said "No need to come now - I just shot them".

Within minutes there were 10 Police cars in the area, a helicopter hovering over the house, and an armed response unit.

They caught the burglars in the shed red-handed.

One of the officers said to me , "Ï thought you said you shot them".

To which I replied, "I thought you said, you had no-one available".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Apr 2018, 8:52 pm

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, Where is the rake?

She can't hear him and shouts back, What?

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, What? The man repeats his gestures, mouthing EYE KNEE THE RAKE.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, What in the heck was that?

She replies, EYE LEFT TIT BEHIND THE BUSH.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Apr 2018, 9:07 pm

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Re: Jokes

Post by Tiger650 » 07 Apr 2018, 8:45 pm

Bloke arrives home and asks the missus what she would do if he won tattslotto ?

She says "i would take half the money and leave you".

Bloke hands her $10 and says "I won $20, take this and piss off".
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