Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 05 Aug 2018, 5:50 pm

Then of course there was the famous Russian leper:
Andropov
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 06 Aug 2018, 12:47 pm

“Mayday, Mayday!”
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack.
I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: “The s**t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 06 Aug 2018, 12:50 pm

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards she did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, ‘Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce'.

Bruce came running.

‘Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor'.

'Strewth', Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.’

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.', Frank said.

'Plan B?', exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.', replied Frank.

'Spot on', Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?', Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No', Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 06 Aug 2018, 12:53 pm

1Fatman wrote:Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards she did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, ‘Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce'.

Bruce came running.

‘Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor'.

'Strewth', Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.’

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.', Frank said.

'Plan B?', exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.', replied Frank.

'Spot on', Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?', Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No', Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'


Good onya.
Now I'm going to have to poke my mind's eye out.
:D
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Aug 2018, 7:14 pm

A commercial airline pilot was getting ready to land in Berlin with a full quota of passengers on board.
Suddenly the air control tower person starts abusing him in a thick gutteral german accent.
He calls the pilot an idiot among other choice insults,,, because the pilot had misunderstood the instructions on which runway to land on.

The pilot apologizes, but was yet again copping abuse from the control tower.

"You useless dolt,,,, have you never flown into Berlin before ?????"

To which the pilot casually replied,, "Oh yes my good man I have indeed,,,,, although it was back in 1944,,,, and I didn't bother to land."
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 12 Aug 2018, 8:34 pm

Hey there 1Fatman,,

Loved the bathroom tiles joke,,,, GOLD

My partner said it was "filthy and funny" cos she got a mental picture when I read it to her. :lol: :lol: :lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 13 Aug 2018, 5:46 am

Die Judicii wrote:Hey there 1Fatman,,

Loved the bathroom tiles joke,,,, GOLD

My partner said it was "filthy and funny" cos she got a mental picture when I read it to her. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Yeah. Funniest joke I’ve ever heard
Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: Better to load on the mild side. :o The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: "Often the written message doesn't convey all of the information"
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 13 Aug 2018, 12:56 pm

Oldbloke wrote:
Die Judicii wrote:Hey there 1Fatman,,

Loved the bathroom tiles joke,,,, GOLD

My partner said it was "filthy and funny" cos she got a mental picture when I read it to her. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Yeah. Funniest joke I’ve ever heard

Thanks Gents. :drinks: :clap:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 13 Aug 2018, 1:15 pm

1Fatman wrote:Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards she did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, ‘Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce'.

Bruce came running.

‘Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor'.

'Strewth', Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.’

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.', Frank said.

'Plan B?', exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.', replied Frank.

'Spot on', Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?', Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No', Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'



I'm sitting in a hospital at the moment and needed a good laugh. Thanks fatman :thumbsup: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 13 Aug 2018, 1:18 pm

There were two old nuns sitting in the park one day enjoying the sunshine when a member of the raincoat brigade walked up and flashed his pecker at them.

One nun ran away and the other one had a stroke.




Then she giggled and ran away too.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 17 Aug 2018, 10:04 am

What's the difference between light and hard?



You can go to sleep with a light on.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 17 Aug 2018, 10:11 am

Donald Trump, an old monk and a boy scout are passengers in a small plane when the pilot comes into the passenger cabin and tells them that the plane has a fuel leak and will crash in a few minutes.
He also tells them they are one parachute short, straps his chute on and jumps out.

Trump jumps up, pushes the other 2 out of the way and says "I'm the smartest guy in the world so I have to survive", straps up and jumps out.
The old monk says to the little boy "You take the last one son, I've had a long life and your's is still ahead of you".
To which the child replies "That's OK, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 29 Aug 2018, 7:32 pm

Was anyone awake this morning listning to ABC National radio from 5am...?

They they asked people to call in with a black bear joke due to an incident in a hotel with a black bear...but many people called in with "bar"/(pub) related jokes...

Was funny but i cant remember any of the jokes when im draggin my arse outa bed...

Anyone remember hear & them...?
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 29 Aug 2018, 8:01 pm

Nope, but this came to mind
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bent Arrow » 29 Aug 2018, 8:03 pm

And this one
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 09 Sep 2018, 12:01 pm

A teenage boy is in the bathroom one evening, sitting on the dunny with his favourite stick book, pounding away for all he's worth.
Just as he's finishing, his Mum walks in and she's horrified at the the sight.

"Oh my god, you shouldn't be doing that" she cried, "you should be saving that until you're married."

Being an obedient lad, he followed her advice.

By the time he got married he had half a dozen big jars saved up.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 09 Sep 2018, 7:49 pm

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 15 Sep 2018, 12:45 am

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The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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