Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 15 Sep 2018, 12:49 am

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The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 15 Sep 2018, 12:53 am

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 21 Sep 2018, 8:31 pm

School is back after the xmas holidays and the teacher asks what everyone got up to.

Little Johnny is up the back with his hand up, yelling "Oh, oh, Miss, Miss."

Feeling she should know better, the teacher finally says "Yes Johnny, what did you do during the holidays?"

"Oh Miss" says Johnny with a big grin, "we was sticking bungers up frogs arseholes."

"Rectum" said the teacher, "Rectum, Johnny."

"Fvcken oath Miss" replied Johnny, "blew 'em to bloody pieces."
fideles usque ad mortem
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 21 Sep 2018, 9:12 pm

A friend of mine died recently.
He drowned in a bowl of muesli after a strong current pulled him in.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 21 Sep 2018, 9:18 pm

:-):-):-)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 03 Oct 2018, 8:02 pm

Teacher asks class,,,,,, What noise does a cow make?

Lil Mary puts her hand up, and replies Mooooo,, Very good says the teacher.

Then she asks,,,,,,,, What noise does a pig make ?

Lill Johnnie can't contain himself and jumps up, then replies in a loud voice,,,,,,,,,,,,

HANDS UP AGAINST THE WALL YOU MOTHERF@CKERS.

:shock: :shock:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 06 Oct 2018, 1:49 pm

I see in the news that corduroy pillows are making headlines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by HereSkip » 07 Oct 2018, 8:01 pm

If all the woolworths burnt down what would you be left with?
a heap of coles

;)
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Re: Jokes

Post by BangBangSkeetSkeet » 03 Dec 2018, 6:09 pm

I took my wife to the hospital today, to try and get her Tourettes Syndrome sorted out... the doctors did extensive testing...
It turns out that she doesn't have Tourettes Syndrome, and I actually am an @rsehole and she wants me to f*ck off
My choice is what I choose to do, and if I'm causing no harm why should it bother you?
Your choice is who choose to be, and if you're causing no harm then you're alright with me
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Dec 2018, 6:53 pm

BangBangSkeetSkeet wrote:I took my wife to the hospital today, to try and get her Tourettes Syndrome sorted out... the doctors did extensive testing...
It turns out that she doesn't have Tourettes Syndrome, and I actually am an @rsehole and she wants me to f*ck off


:clap:
Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: Better to load on the mild side. :o The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: "Often the written message doesn't convey all of the information"
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Re: Jokes

Post by BangBangSkeetSkeet » 05 Dec 2018, 2:19 pm

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, 'Hey, we have a cocktail named after you!'
The grasshopper just looks at the bartender, with a confused look on his face, and says, 'What, you have a drink called Kevin?"
My choice is what I choose to do, and if I'm causing no harm why should it bother you?
Your choice is who choose to be, and if you're causing no harm then you're alright with me
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 05 Dec 2018, 3:31 pm

BangBangSkeetSkeet wrote:I took my wife to the hospital today, to try and get her Tourettes Syndrome sorted out... the doctors did extensive testing...
It turns out that she doesn't have Tourettes Syndrome, and I actually am an @rsehole and she wants me to f*ck off


Sweet I don't have to spend money on the missus's medical bills anymore!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by BangBangSkeetSkeet » 08 Dec 2018, 7:19 am

An Australian ventriloquist is backpacking on holiday in New Zealand when he stops in at a farm to top up his water bottle. He 's chatting to the old farmer when he decides he might have a bit of fun with him.
So he says: hey mate, mind if I talk to your horse? And the farmer says: that horse can't talk you dumb Aussie but you're welcome to have a try. So the ventriloquist says: hey horse, is that your owner? and the horse/ventriloquist says: Neighh, yes he is. And the Aussie ask: does he treat you well? and the horse says: Neighh, yes, he brushes my coat, gives me a carrot and a pat occasionally.
And the Kiwi farmer is gobsmacked that his horse can talk.

So then the Aussie asks him: Can I talk to your dog? and the Kiwi says: Ok, you can try but I don't think.he speaks.
So the Aussie asks the dog: does your master treat you well? And the dog says: Woof, oh yes, he feeds me and pats me and gives me a bone occasionally. And on cold nights he brings me inside to sleep beside the fire.
And the Kiwi is absolutely astounded at his talking dog.

Then the Aussie asks: hey mate, mind if I ask your sheep a few questions?
and the Kiwi says: go right ahead but before you do, you should know, that sheep's a bloody liar!
My choice is what I choose to do, and if I'm causing no harm why should it bother you?
Your choice is who choose to be, and if you're causing no harm then you're alright with me
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 10 Dec 2018, 12:45 pm

Although I've put this in the jokes section I reckon it's pretty accurate!!! :lol: :drinks:

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This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Dec 2018, 10:37 pm

Daddybang wrote:Although I've put this in the jokes section I reckon it's pretty accurate!!! :lol: :drinks:

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And on that note,,,,,,,,,,,, did you know that the Liberal Party is just like natural "Cream" ??

Rich, Thick, and full of Clots.
:lol:
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 11 Dec 2018, 10:52 pm

Daddybang wrote:Although I've put this in the jokes section I reckon it's pretty accurate!!! :lol: :drinks:

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:D Yep...!! :thumbsup:
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 11 Dec 2018, 10:58 pm

That reminds me of this one daddybang... ... ...


It aint easy being a dick...

You've got a head you cant think with...

An eye you cant see out of...

You have to put up with a couple of nuts hanging around all day...

Your closest neighbour is an arsehole...

And...your master beats you all the time...!!!
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
Stix
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South Australia

Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 12 Dec 2018, 7:57 pm

My dog Minton ate a racket!
Bad Minton...
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