Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 15 Sep 2018, 12:49 am

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The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 15 Sep 2018, 12:53 am

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 21 Sep 2018, 8:31 pm

School is back after the xmas holidays and the teacher asks what everyone got up to.

Little Johnny is up the back with his hand up, yelling "Oh, oh, Miss, Miss."

Feeling she should know better, the teacher finally says "Yes Johnny, what did you do during the holidays?"

"Oh Miss" says Johnny with a big grin, "we was sticking bungers up frogs arseholes."

"Rectum" said the teacher, "Rectum, Johnny."

"Fvcken oath Miss" replied Johnny, "blew 'em to bloody pieces."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 21 Sep 2018, 9:12 pm

A friend of mine died recently.
He drowned in a bowl of muesli after a strong current pulled him in.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 21 Sep 2018, 9:18 pm

:-):-):-)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 03 Oct 2018, 8:02 pm

Teacher asks class,,,,,, What noise does a cow make?

Lil Mary puts her hand up, and replies Mooooo,, Very good says the teacher.

Then she asks,,,,,,,, What noise does a pig make ?

Lill Johnnie can't contain himself and jumps up, then replies in a loud voice,,,,,,,,,,,,

HANDS UP AGAINST THE WALL YOU MOTHERF@CKERS.

:shock: :shock:
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I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 06 Oct 2018, 1:49 pm

I see in the news that corduroy pillows are making headlines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by HereSkip » 07 Oct 2018, 8:01 pm

If all the woolworths burnt down what would you be left with?
a heap of coles

;)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 03 Dec 2018, 6:09 pm

I took my wife to the hospital today, to try and get her Tourettes Syndrome sorted out... the doctors did extensive testing...
It turns out that she doesn't have Tourettes Syndrome, and I actually am an @rsehole and she wants me to f*ck off
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Re: Jokes

Post by Oldbloke » 03 Dec 2018, 6:53 pm

Member-Deleted wrote:I took my wife to the hospital today, to try and get her Tourettes Syndrome sorted out... the doctors did extensive testing...
It turns out that she doesn't have Tourettes Syndrome, and I actually am an @rsehole and she wants me to f*ck off


:clap:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 05 Dec 2018, 2:19 pm

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, 'Hey, we have a cocktail named after you!'
The grasshopper just looks at the bartender, with a confused look on his face, and says, 'What, you have a drink called Kevin?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 05 Dec 2018, 3:31 pm

Member-Deleted wrote:I took my wife to the hospital today, to try and get her Tourettes Syndrome sorted out... the doctors did extensive testing...
It turns out that she doesn't have Tourettes Syndrome, and I actually am an @rsehole and she wants me to f*ck off


Sweet I don't have to spend money on the missus's medical bills anymore!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 08 Dec 2018, 7:19 am

An Australian ventriloquist is backpacking on holiday in New Zealand when he stops in at a farm to top up his water bottle. He 's chatting to the old farmer when he decides he might have a bit of fun with him.
So he says: hey mate, mind if I talk to your horse? And the farmer says: that horse can't talk you dumb Aussie but you're welcome to have a try. So the ventriloquist says: hey horse, is that your owner? and the horse/ventriloquist says: Neighh, yes he is. And the Aussie ask: does he treat you well? and the horse says: Neighh, yes, he brushes my coat, gives me a carrot and a pat occasionally.
And the Kiwi farmer is gobsmacked that his horse can talk.

So then the Aussie asks him: Can I talk to your dog? and the Kiwi says: Ok, you can try but I don't think.he speaks.
So the Aussie asks the dog: does your master treat you well? And the dog says: Woof, oh yes, he feeds me and pats me and gives me a bone occasionally. And on cold nights he brings me inside to sleep beside the fire.
And the Kiwi is absolutely astounded at his talking dog.

Then the Aussie asks: hey mate, mind if I ask your sheep a few questions?
and the Kiwi says: go right ahead but before you do, you should know, that sheep's a bloody liar!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 10 Dec 2018, 12:45 pm

Although I've put this in the jokes section I reckon it's pretty accurate!!! :lol: :drinks:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 11 Dec 2018, 10:37 pm

Daddybang wrote:Although I've put this in the jokes section I reckon it's pretty accurate!!! :lol: :drinks:

FB_IMG_1544393054799.jpg


And on that note,,,,,,,,,,,, did you know that the Liberal Party is just like natural "Cream" ??

Rich, Thick, and full of Clots.
:lol:
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I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 11 Dec 2018, 10:52 pm

Daddybang wrote:Although I've put this in the jokes section I reckon it's pretty accurate!!! :lol: :drinks:

FB_IMG_1544393054799.jpg

:D Yep...!! :thumbsup:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Stix » 11 Dec 2018, 10:58 pm

That reminds me of this one daddybang... ... ...


It aint easy being a dick...

You've got a head you cant think with...

An eye you cant see out of...

You have to put up with a couple of nuts hanging around all day...

Your closest neighbour is an arsehole...

And...your master beats you all the time...!!!
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 12 Dec 2018, 7:57 pm

My dog Minton ate a racket!
Bad Minton...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 13 Dec 2018, 7:28 am

Die Judicii wrote:
Daddybang wrote:Although I've put this in the jokes section I reckon it's pretty accurate!!! :lol: :drinks:

FB_IMG_1544393054799.jpg


And on that note,,,,,,,,,,,, did you know that the Liberal Party is just like natural "Cream" ??

Rich, Thick, and full of Clots.
:lol:


:lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:

Stix wrote:That reminds me of this one daddybang... ... ...


It aint easy being a dick...

You've got a head you cant think with...

An eye you cant see out of...

You have to put up with a couple of nuts hanging around all day...

Your closest neighbour is an arsehole...

And...your master beats you all the time...!!!


Love it stix :lol: :lol: :lol: :drinks:

Chappo wrote:My dog Minton ate a racket!
Bad Minton...


Chappo I think you'd be a funny bugger to have a coldie with! :lol: :drinks:
This hard living ain't as easy as it used to be!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 13 Dec 2018, 11:07 am

Are you inviting me to Queensland db?
I’m a sucker for the bad dad jokes unfortunately!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 13 Dec 2018, 9:53 pm

L
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 14 Dec 2018, 8:50 am

An old wino goes into the local hardware store and asks for a bottle of metho.

"Bugger off you pisshead" says the owner, "You'll drink it"

"No mate, I'm aaah....I'm cleaning windows, yeah, that's what I'm doing."

They argue about it for a few minutes and finally the owner hands over the metho.

The wino picks up the bottle, then puts it down again and says "You haven't got a cold one, have you?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 17 Dec 2018, 10:12 am

Undeterred by the recent passing of one of their contemporaries, three missionaries go to North Sentinel Island to try their hand at converting the local tribes.

They no sooner set foot on the island, when they are attacked by the natives, badly beaten, tied up and taken to the village.

Kneelling in the dirt in the middle of the village, the missionaries are surrounded by angry shouting natives, understandably concerned about their fate, when the Chief approaches them.

"We no want you come, our island, we punish you now" says the Chief.

"How are you going to punish us" asks a missionary"

"Punishment, death" says the Chief with a proud smile, "but today, my birthday so I let you choose, death or Boingo"

"What's Boingo" asks the missionary.

The Chief points to a big log near the fire, "We tie you to log, all men of tribe have sex in you."

The missionaries are horrified, they naturally dont want the Boingo business, but they know they'll get over it, and they'll definitely be killed if they don't choose it. So two of them accept that as their punishment.

The third is having none of that!

"I'd rather die than submit myself to such degrading treatment."

"Are you sure" ask his friends.

"Yes" and to the Chief he says "Well, get on with it you bloody savage."

The Chief turns to his excited people.

"Today, for my birthday we have three punishments. Two will be Boingo, one will be death."

The tribe are going crazy, cheering and yelling.

As his choice has him wondering, the third missionary looks to the Chief and asks "So how do you execute people here?"

The Cheif smiles down at him and says "By BOINGO"
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 17 Dec 2018, 10:24 pm

3 deer hunters are way out the back of qld and sitting around talking about the fruits of their labour’s.

All 3 had scored well and shot their quota.

As they sit around shooting the breeze on their last day, one of the hunters says - well, it’s time fellas, I call in the pilot to come get us.

Sure enough, 30 mins later a small Cessna plane lands and saddles up to the group.
The pilot jumps out and says gents, bad news - those 3 deer you have are going to put the plane over the limit - the run way is too short and well - we can’t take them all...

The hunters looked at each other and then turned back to the pilot - “ are you a man or a mouse”
“Any decent pilot could do it”
“Come on mate, we’ve been here a week”

The pilot thinks a bit and says, sorry - no. I can’t risk it.

The hunters now sensing a pause - pour the pressure on...” you soft cock. Not even a real pilot are you...” and on and on went the torment.

Finally, the pilot reluctantly gives in.
The cabin is cramped and packed.
Tail of the plane is pushed back as far as possible, engines screaming...and they are off - hunters hollering and whooping away.

The plane thunders along, faster and faster, the pilot rotates the nose at the very last minute and the plane starts climbing...but just as they thought they were clear - a tree catches the wing and catapults the plane in to the ground, at 200kmh.

There is horrid noise, deer meat and plane everywhere.
The pilot is unconscious but alive. The three hunters are broken but alive and thrown clear of the plane into the Bush.

Dave, the first hunter sees Bill lying there, propped on his elbow smoking a cigar - and says - “farken oath mate, that was epic lol - where the Fark are we?”
Bill casually looks around and says - “well looking at thAt broken tree back there, we are about 200 metres further on than last year”...
Last edited by TassieTiger on 17 Dec 2018, 10:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 17 Dec 2018, 10:25 pm

What do you call an aboriginal sitting in the cockpit of a plane??

A pilot you racist bastards!!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 17 Dec 2018, 10:31 pm

Call them ''SIR'' to do otherwise could be fatal '' lol''
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 17 Dec 2018, 10:33 pm

A koala bear is sitting in his tree when he sees a large lizard walking along, puffing a smoke.

The koala calls down - “hey man, that smoke smells like some top level gunja, care to share?”

The lizard looks up and says, “sure man - I’ll come up”.

The koala and lizard sit there getting stoned as, laughing and giggling away, when the lizard says “man - I need a drink, I’m dying of thirst here...”

The koala says, there’s a big river down that trail about 70m - youcant see it but it’s lovely cold water.”

The lizard, says I’ll go get a drink and come back.

So off the lizard goes, but when he gets to the river, he starts drinking and then can’t stop laughing.

Just thena huge crocodile comes up and says - hey Liz, wtf are you laughing at?
Liz says, mate - me and this koala have been getting so whacked, the stupid bear can’t move - he is stuck in his tree, just up the trail.
The croc says bulls hit...I gotta see this.

So the croc starts waking up the trail and sure enough he sees a koala sitting in a tree - clearly stoned and squinting down at the crocodile.
The koala blinks a few times, squints and looks down and says - “ s**t man, how much did you have to drink?”
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Re: Jokes

Post by Member-Deleted » 17 Dec 2018, 10:46 pm

Farmer joe had a bantam rooster and its sex drive was such that every thing in the yard was fair game ducks, geese, chooks, everything
so farmer joe was sick of the rooster chasing everything so he said to the rooster '' If you don't stop shagging everything you catch
you will shag yourself to death
One morning farmer joe looks out his kitchen window and there he was the rooster laying on his back, legs in the air in the hot sun so joe mumbled to
himself '' I told that rooster he'd kill himself the way he was going'' so out goes joe to bury the old rooster as he got close and bent over to pick the rooster up the rooster opened one eye and said '' clear out !! i'm waiting for that hawk to get closer''
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 18 Dec 2018, 9:07 am

For the older F1 fans
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Re: Jokes

Post by Daddybang » 20 Dec 2018, 7:18 pm

I'll just leave this here! :mrgreen: :lol: :drinks:

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