Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 20 Dec 2018, 9:41 pm

Ban Them All!
Since the banning of "Baby Its Cold Outside" in light of the #MeToo movement, please boycott these Christmas songs
"I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" because it exploits endangered Hippos.
While we are at it the same goes for:
“Santa Clause is Coming to Town" = Fake News
"Little Drummer Boy" = Gender Neutral
"White Christmas" = Racist and xenophobic
"O' Come all Ye Faithful" = Exclusive
"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" = Anti-Feminist
"All I Want for Christmas is You" = Stalking
"Blue Christmas" = implies male/boy righteousness
"The 12 Days of Christmas" = anti-Semitic (8 days)
"Santa Baby" = Reverse #metoo and exploits handouts
"Winter Wonderland" = dismisses wonderlands that don't have winter
"Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" = exclusive against 4th of July and Summer
"Let it Snow" = Not fair to those where it does not snow
"Do You Hear What I Hear" = insensitive to hearing impaired
"All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" = offensive to meth addicts
And last but not least....
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" = promotes adultery
If this offends anyone, please don’t bother to tell me as I just don’t care.... I truly don’t.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 21 Dec 2018, 7:47 pm

Bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer and I dunno what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gaznazdiak » 30 Dec 2018, 8:28 pm

How do you know if someone you meet is a vegan.

The fvcker will tell you.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 30 Dec 2018, 8:58 pm

A couple were holidaying overseas. They wanted to bring home a special present for their granddaughter.
They went into a fancy shop and were looking around for a nice piece of clothing. They couldn't decide which one to pick so asked the salesman for some help.
"If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, what would you get?" the grandfather asked

"A bulletproof one," the salesman replied. "I'm married."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 30 Dec 2018, 9:01 pm

A platoon of soldiers was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Isis terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar, but less serious, state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, when a heavily armed insurgent approached from the opposite direction. We saw each other and both of us took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that the ISIS leader al - Baghdadi was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who would get what he deserves.
He yelled back that Bill Shorten is a unionist, good for - nothing, left wing d**khead who knows bugger all about how to run Australia and should stand down as boss of the ALP.
So I said that the new Isis leader dresses and acts like a frigid, mean - spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Penny Wong!'
And there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands

When a bloody truck hit us.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 21 Feb 2019, 6:53 pm

Someone stole my mood ring and I just don’t know how to feel about that :unknown:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 21 Feb 2019, 7:13 pm

Chappo wrote:Someone stole my mood ring and I just don’t know how to feel about that :unknown:


Well,,,,,,, I'd be guessing that's exactly the same, only different,,,, :D
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 21 Feb 2019, 7:49 pm

I thought i had a great invention once, the COLD air ballon, but it never really took off.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 21 Feb 2019, 8:03 pm

On a tangent - There’s a new movie recently released called - that’s not my dog - a DVD made by Shane Jacobsen, evidentially for his dad...the movie is all Austs best comics sitting around drinking beer and telling jokes - so not a movie as you know it. Paul Hogan, Fiona McLaughlin, and everyone in between. It’s worth a look with a beer or two.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 22 Feb 2019, 8:45 pm

It’s so hard to tell if people really do wanna join my sarcasm club or not?!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 22 Feb 2019, 9:58 pm

Chappo wrote:It’s so hard to tell if people really do wanna join my sarcasm club or not?!


Oh yes please,,,,,,, that would be sooooooooooooo good, brilliant old chap,,,,,,, Oh goody,,,,,, What a spiffing idea. :thumbsup: :thumbsup:


Do I qualify ???????? :unknown: :unknown: :unknown:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 23 Feb 2019, 6:46 am

:P :lol: :lol: :lol: :wtf: ....... :unknown:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Sarco » 26 Feb 2019, 8:48 pm

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally, I pondered an age-old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some heavier deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock
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Re: Jokes

Post by TassieTiger » 26 Feb 2019, 9:22 pm

But if someone had have kicked me in the nuts hard enough - she wouldn’t have been able to give birth and I would have mucho lots guns, and land, and boats, and cars and 4 wheel drives, and....and....ahhh Fark it. Someone kick me in the nuts now...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 26 Feb 2019, 9:46 pm

Sarco wrote:Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?



On that note,,,,,,,,,, What is the name of that sheila that raised a few eyebrows when she was playing tennis, but is now coaching,,,,,, ??
I think she may have the answer to that "tucked away" somewhere. :D
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I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 26 Feb 2019, 10:18 pm

( I hope Kaid doesn't take offence at this )

A little weedy guy was at the big swamp on Duck opening morning, and patiently waiting for ducks as were a few other shooters.
Suddenly a little duck flew overhead.

Boom Boom Bang Bang, and down went the little duck.

The little weedy guy wades out from the bank to pick up his duck.
But as he got closer, he saw this massive Yank wading out from the opposite bank,,,, also heading toward the little duck.

Hey, that's my duck squeaked the little guy.

Bugger off yelled the yank,,,,,,,, it's mine.

So the little guy says,,,,, How about we settle this the Aussie way ?
And how does that work said the Yank ?

It's easy said the little guy,,,,,,,,,,,, I get to kick you in the nuts 3 times,, then you kick me in the nuts 3 times and we'll keep doing that until one of us either gives up or falls over. And the guy who doesn't give up, or falls over can keep the duck.

I'll go first said the little guy.

So the yank braces himself, and the little guy kicks as hard as he could,,,,
The yank shudders, but stood his ground.
The little guy kicks the second time, and a tear ran down the yanks face, but he remained standing.
So, the little guy kicks for the third time.
The yank grimaces, wipes away a few more tears, and sways a bit,,,,,,,, but remained standing.

Then the yank says, OK, now it's my turn.

But the little guy shakes his head and says,,,,,,, Nah mate,,, I give up,, you can have the duck,, it's only a little one anyway.
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 11 Apr 2019, 8:22 am

From a very early age I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body............
Then I was born.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 11 Apr 2019, 10:27 am

I watched a documentary on Elton John yesterday. They asked him all sorts of questions about his lifestyle including his mainly salad diet.
Funnily enough though he didn’t eat lettuce. When asked why, he replied “I’m a rocket man”.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 11 Apr 2019, 7:27 pm

Well played Mr Tom
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Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 11 Apr 2019, 8:46 pm

Thanks mate. A dad joke for sure. Hope some of us non Gen Y folks got it. None of my kids (late teenagers) understood it.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 11 Apr 2019, 9:12 pm

Apparently Elton performed a song at Amy winehouse’s funeral....
“Candle under the spoon”
Maybe your kids will get that one JT?
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Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 12 Apr 2019, 5:37 am

:lol:
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An Irishman's first drink with his son

Post by Sarco » 15 Apr 2019, 9:21 pm

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only a hundred yards from the cottage. I got him a Guinness He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****** I could hardly push his pram back home!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post by on_one_wheel » 15 Apr 2019, 10:04 pm

A big fella and a little fella both walk into the chicken shop.

The little guy notices there's only 1 roast chook left and quickly says " I'll take that chook thanks"

The big guy says " hey mate ! You pushed in! ... whatever you do to that chicken I'll do to you. You rip off a leg, I'll rip off your leg, you tear off a wing and I'll rip ya bloody arm off"

The little guy thinks for a minute....
He pulls the chook out of its bag and gently sticks his finger up the chickens a$$ , pulls his finger out and licks it clean .... then says "go on mate, I dare ya"
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Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 19 Apr 2019, 8:19 am

bit of bad news,,my missus has left me after finding out that i had spent all our money on a penis extension :cry: :cry: :cry:






she said she couldn't take it any longer :P :P
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Re: Jokes

Post by Chappo » 19 Apr 2019, 10:07 am

Buuhhh ha ha haaaa :lol: :lol: :lol: :clap:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Die Judicii » 21 Apr 2019, 8:32 am

Good one Tom,,,,,,,,, :lol:

But, do you know what is green, slippery, and smells like pork ?????
I do not fear death itself... Only its inopportune timing!
I've come to realize that,,,,, the two most loving, loyal, and trustworthy females in my entire life were both canines.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JimTom » 21 Apr 2019, 8:34 am

Kermit’s finger?
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Re: Jokes

Post by 1Fatman » 21 Apr 2019, 11:47 am

What part of Popeye never rusts?
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Re: Jokes

Post by tom604 » 21 Apr 2019, 5:20 pm

the bit he puts in olive oil,,,,,boom tish :lol:
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