Sorry to hear that DD.
Its sure to be a tough thing having to confront such a wide gamut of conflicting feelings...many of which are most likely not understood or at peace with...and then to compound that, getting a heap of guilt from hindsight views of what could i have done better, anger, & almost a double layer of resentment would for sure send any sane empathetic person into a whirlpool.
Talking to someone about it is obviously key...something you obviously want to do, which is good...
Finding someone on your level is the hard thing...so many counselors have such self perceived high levels of acumen when it comes behavioral science, & think because they graduated they are it & a bit...
Sadly its not the case.
Id recommend seeking the services of an older, genuine counselor with a demonstrated history of dealing with grief & loss...& avoid the services on the net that claim greatness in dealing with a great array of issues.
Thats not to say younger professionals are all bad, its just that i think youll have a better hit rate & faster road to acceptance with more experienced folk...(obviously).
Insight on SBS had an interesting show on a couple of weeks back--about being estranged from family members...whilst not exactly at your point of greif, it might be of interest to watch as it shows people who have dealt with what you are, & more importantly the lead up to it, & how they rationalise it...or try to rationalise it...
You can see how some people are in denial & kid themselves, while others just live with the pain & cant get past it, & others have come to working it out, or working out a way to deal with it.
If you watch it, you will no doubt identify with some of the people on there to find your 'level', & that may well give you a start in finding where you're at & give you the natural progression as to where to go next.
Finding acceptance with such a finite thing as death is hard at any level...especially given your circumstances...but it is there...
I think the key is to treat it like a job...only give it so many hours of the week & dont let it consume you into toxicity...(obviously at the moment its all consuming & thats pperfectly understandable...
)...
Also, i think finding good in the bad is what needs to be the goal...using what youve experienced/experiencing to not do the same again is a good thing--obvious but good...!!
Im far from religous, but some Christian principles in understanding being thankful can have good effect...but dont think for a moment im suggesting you allow yourself to be indoctrinated into a cult like church--im not suggesting that at all...!!!
Anyway...hoping you come to as good a terms with it as possible...
The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...