Joke Thread :lol:

[Oldbloke]

Lol. Innocent.

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[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

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[Tiger650]

This AM I was doing reloading stuff and wife approached with my cordless drill, bits and a small wood screw asking how to select correct bit and load into chuck etc, she was hanging pictures.
Later when she returned rightly proud of he efforts I looked at Eva the dog and said.
"Careful Eva, she learns to bark and we are both redundant".

[Oldbloke]

Lol. Had a good chuckle

[Oldbloke]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didnt like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, This duck aint from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin license, boy? The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, This aint no Kentucky duck. This ducks from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This aint no Tennessee duck. This here ducks from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin license?
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly Just where the hell are you from?
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said You tell me, youre the expert!!

[Oldbloke]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity
as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

[Oldbloke]

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[womble]

[Bill]

A fellow is stuck on his roof in a flood, praying to God for help. A man in a rowboat turns up and shouts, “Jump in, I can save you!” The stranded fellow shouts back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.” A motorboat comes by, and the bloke in it yells: “Jump in, I can save you!” “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.” Then a helicopter appears and the pilot leans out and shouts, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.” “No thanks, I have put my faith in God.” The water continues to rise and, tragically, the man is swept away and drowns, whereupon, crestfallen, he meets his maker. “I had faith in you,” the dead man exclaims, “but you didn’t save me. You let me drown. I don’t understand why!” God replies: “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter. What more did you expect?”

[Oldbloke]

Lol

[Oldbloke]

Mods might delete. This is very good.

https://youtu.be/X_0zFEtPbiA

[Die Judicii]

A young field mouse was growing up but hadn't yet lost his virginity.
He met up with a cute young bunny, and asked her if she could help.
But she just kicked sand in his face and scampered off.

He then met a young female Koala, and asked if she would help him out.
But she just sat there and did nothing.

He started up a conversation with a big Red doe kangaroo and told her all about his problem,,,
And she just laughed at him and made him feel even worse.

The mouse, thinking that the whole world was against him,, sat down and was having a bit of a cry, when suddenly a huge old Elephant cow
came along and asked him what was wrong.
The mouse explained the whole sorry saga to the elephant,

Feeling sorry for the mouse, she said that if he wanted he could climb up and lose his virginity with her.

Oh Wow said the mouse,,,,, and scampered up the elephants leg.

So there he was,,,,,, going for it as fast and hard as he could.

Then,, a coconut fell from above and hit the elephant on the head.
OUCH, OUCH said the elephant.

The little mouse paused mid stroke,,,,,, and said,,,,,,,,,, "Sorry darl,, did I hurt you ?"

[Oldbloke]

Fuk, that's funny.

[Oldbloke]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he's in the upper bunk and she's in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Oldbloke]

Workplace Accident

Sad news today came out of Nestle about a work accident.

A worker had a pallet of chocolate fall from 5 metres off some pallet racking and landed on him hurting him badly. He kept yelling out "THE MILKY BARS ARE ON ME!" and everytime he did his work mates kept on cheering.

[Die Judicii]

Since leaving school, Paddy had always worked in the local brewery.
One day, not long before his retirement, there was a terrible accident, and Paddy fell in to a vat of whiskey and drowned.

The local constable was given the task of going to inform his wife of Paddy's demise.

Upon being given the terrible news Paddy's wife asked,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Ohhh my God,,,, did he suffer terribly ?" she sobbed.

Constable Clancy replied,,,,,, "I think not Maaam,,,,, he climbed out twice to go to the Loo"

[Communism_Is_Cancer]

Just saw a Bently, parked in a disabled spot outside of the welfare office. Thats a joke if you ask me. I had to pull over, make a u turn, cross a lane of traffic and find a parking spot to take the photo.

[NTSOG]

G'day,

I guess drivers of Bentleys could be disabled, but visiting Centrelink - I'm not so sure.

On the subject of fancy cars, in 1973 I saw a Rolls Royce parked in main street Kyneton with the back seat removed and three small square bales of grass hay inside.

Jim

[Die Judicii]

I wonder how the Taliban get on if one of there wives mysteriously disappear ???

Would the husband wander the streets with a photo of a hijab showing two eyes,,,, and be asking "Have you seen this woman" ??

[Communism_Is_Cancer]

......

[Lsfan]

I wonder how the Taliban get on if one of there wives mysteriously disappear ???

Would the husband wander the streets with a photo of a hijab showing two eyes,,,, and be asking "Have you seen this woman" ??

I think that's called a burqa, the ones that just show the eyes. Some of them have mesh over the eyes so you can't see anything. My understanding is that it is to prevent temptation from other men. Must be good in summer.

I remember a comical picture with a woman wearing one and it had a bulge in the back. The image showed the woman with her husband and the caption read "honey does my bomb look big in this?"

[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

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[Oldbloke]

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Or Slowmo. Lol

[Communism_Is_Cancer]

Not a joke but a good laugh.

I visited my father who has dementia and I told him I got a new pistol. He says to me “make sure you go to the station and give the sergeant his bribe to get your permit”.

I just smiled and nodded, didn't have the heart to tell him those days are gone. Not that he would remember anyway. Haha

[ZaineB]

G'day,

I guess drivers of Bentleys could be disabled, but visiting Centrelink - I'm not so sure.

On the subject of fancy cars, in 1973 I saw a Rolls Royce parked in main street Kyneton with the back seat removed and three small square bales of grass hay inside.

Jim

wouldn't be surprised, rolls' aren't worth 2 bags of snot after they have been owned even once. depreciation on them is insanity.

[Sarco]

Seen on another forum

[safeshot]

Old farmer goes to the doctor has the usual round of tests. The doctor notices the old farmer cupping his ear when the doctor speaks.
"I see you have a hearing problem there." he says.
"Well i was driving tractors at 11, and hearing protection in those days doc" shrugs the farmer.
The doctor shows the farmer a tiny black chip thing. He says one little cut behind each ear, insert one of these and your hearing will be improved by 40%.
So the farmer goes along with it. Some time later he returns to the doctor and gets his results and the doc says,
"How is your hearing?"
"Its a wonder doc. I can hear birds in the morning, the grand kids dont need an interpreter, its just great."
"Well, what a great result. Tell me what does the family think?"
"Family" says the farmer,"I havent told 'em." The doctors is a bit lost
"Well whats the outcome there then?"
"Well doc, so far I have changed my will three times."..................................