Joke Thread :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 05 Jul 2023, 6:38 am

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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 08 Jul 2023, 8:14 pm

Image
I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 15 Jul 2023, 5:33 pm

Camo condoms so she can't see you coming

Cop condoms, to protect and serve.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Larry » 27 Jul 2023, 4:25 pm

Quick Shout out to Lazarus are you ok. We miss the jokes. and seriously get concerned when posting habits change.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Jul 2023, 8:24 pm

Larry wrote:Quick Shout out to Lazarus are you ok. We miss the jokes. and seriously get concerned when posting habits change.


Yeh, I sent him a PM a few days ago. Still no reply.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Jul 2023, 8:26 pm

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen... They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."
They were silent for a moment. Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Jul 2023, 8:29 pm

The destroyer Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Muslims puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading Britain".
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Muslim stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other three million are already there!"
Nobody on the destroyer laughed.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Jul 2023, 8:34 pm

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 06 Aug 2023, 12:14 pm

The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
Member. SFFP, Shooters Union.
SSAA, the powerful gun lobby. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Aug 2023, 10:50 pm

The missus went to the chemist the other day and asked the chemist

""Do you stock Viagra?"

""Yes"" replied the chemist.

""Can you get it over the counter?"" asked the missus

""Well, yes replied the chemist, but only if I take two tablets""
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 08 Aug 2023, 10:52 pm

Never Force Children To Pray...

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.

"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.

“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," said his father.

"Okay”, the boy said".

"Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.

Bless them so they won't come again.

Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's IPhone.

And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.


AMEN"

Dinner was cancelled
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 11 Aug 2023, 8:51 pm

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy. However, that's not the case.

My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra. Grandma took it pretty hard.

My son asked: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" Yes, we arson.

Just found out my mate has been shot with a starting pistol. Police think it's race-related.

My son asked me: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" "That happens in every country, son," I replied.

My girlfriend has me locked down whenever she's around. I call her Guantanamo Bae.

I ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon. Ill let you know.

I hate my job as a waiter. But it puts food on the table.

What happened to frog who parked illegally? He got toad.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear Is sphere itself.
I wasnt sure how comfortable my new couch would be. But sofa so good.

Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police haven't got a lead.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But Ive turned myself around and thats what its all about.

I asked my waiter: "What's the special of the day?" "Octopus" he replied. "Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!" He added.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you..."

Why did the antique tic tac box sell so highly at auction? It was in mint condition.

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a religious movement.

How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua

I have a legless dog named cigarette. First thing, every morning, I take him out for a drag.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.

I found a horror book written in braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago. She just cant seem to let it go.

At any given moment, the urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested. He still has the right to remain silent.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Larry » 12 Aug 2023, 8:12 am

Thanks OB a good collection of Dad jokes there. :)
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by drone » 14 Aug 2023, 11:43 pm

Two guys talking one said he was suffering badly with constipation hadn't been in over a week.
Mate says I was like that I went to the ED and they gave me something that worked in about two hours.
Mat sees the first guy a few days later and asked if his constipation was sorted, No he said they gave me this torpedo shaped tablet and told me to put it in my back passage, we don't have one of them so I put it in the hall and for all the good it did there I might as well shoved it up my arse....
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 12 Sep 2023, 12:07 pm

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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Don't know which one is Heather

Post by rossfrb » 10 Oct 2023, 8:18 pm

:(
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by rossfrb » 10 Oct 2023, 8:18 pm

:shock:
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by rossfrb » 10 Oct 2023, 8:21 pm

:D
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by rossfrb » 10 Oct 2023, 8:22 pm

my current favourite
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by rossfrb » 10 Oct 2023, 8:34 pm

:)
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by womble » 22 Oct 2023, 4:22 pm

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 22 Oct 2023, 4:43 pm

Yeh, good condition. Lol
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 26 Oct 2023, 8:05 am

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Courage is knowing it might
hurt, and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 26 Oct 2023, 3:03 pm

:thumbsup: Welcome back.
The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 27 Oct 2023, 1:20 pm

Thanks OB :drinks:


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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by stihl88 » 27 Oct 2023, 2:36 pm

That last one's gold! Apparently it was used as a "Bookend", if it's got a suction cap on the end it would work ok i guess.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 28 Oct 2023, 7:50 am

stihl88 wrote:That last one's gold! Apparently it was used as a "Bookend", if it's got a suction cap on the end it would work ok i guess.


True, and by the look on her face, perhaps the penny has dropped :lol:
Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 28 Oct 2023, 8:03 am

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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 28 Oct 2023, 4:00 pm

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The greatest invention in the history of man is beer.
https://youtu.be/2v3QrUvYj-Y
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Lazarus » 28 Oct 2023, 5:08 pm

Oldbloke wrote:
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I think Iran supplied them with missile launchers as well OB


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Courage is knowing it might
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Stupidity is the same
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And that's why life is hard
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