Joke Thread :lol:

[Lazarus]

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[womble]

[Oldbloke]

Camo condoms so she can't see you coming

Cop condoms, to protect and serve.

[Larry]

Quick Shout out to Lazarus are you ok. We miss the jokes. and seriously get concerned when posting habits change.

[Oldbloke]

Quick Shout out to Lazarus are you ok. We miss the jokes. and seriously get concerned when posting habits change.

Yeh, I sent him a PM a few days ago. Still no reply.

[Oldbloke]

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen... They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."
They were silent for a moment. Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[Oldbloke]

The destroyer Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Muslims puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading Britain".
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Muslim stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other three million are already there!"
Nobody on the destroyer laughed.

[Oldbloke]

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[Oldbloke]

The Challenge.


https://youtu.be/a3FHwgJQEdk

[Oldbloke]

The missus went to the chemist the other day and asked the chemist

""Do you stock Viagra?"

""Yes"" replied the chemist.

""Can you get it over the counter?"" asked the missus

""Well, yes replied the chemist, but only if I take two tablets""

[Oldbloke]

Never Force Children To Pray...

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.

"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.

“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," said his father.

"Okay”, the boy said".

"Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.

Bless them so they won't come again.

Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's IPhone.

And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.


AMEN"

Dinner was cancelled

[Oldbloke]

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy. However, that's not the case.

My Grandad recently had to start using Viagra. Grandma took it pretty hard.

My son asked: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" Yes, we arson.

Just found out my mate has been shot with a starting pistol. Police think it's race-related.

My son asked me: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" "That happens in every country, son," I replied.

My girlfriend has me locked down whenever she's around. I call her Guantanamo Bae.

I ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon. Ill let you know.

I hate my job as a waiter. But it puts food on the table.

What happened to frog who parked illegally? He got toad.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear Is sphere itself.
I wasnt sure how comfortable my new couch would be. But sofa so good.

Hearing reports that Sting has been kidnapped. The Police haven't got a lead.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But Ive turned myself around and thats what its all about.

I asked my waiter: "What's the special of the day?" "Octopus" he replied. "Only problem is, it takes 3 hours to cook because it keeps turning the gas off!" He added.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you..."

Why did the antique tic tac box sell so highly at auction? It was in mint condition.

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I'm about to start a religious movement.

How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese? Konichihuahua

I have a legless dog named cigarette. First thing, every morning, I take him out for a drag.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.

I found a horror book written in braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago. She just cant seem to let it go.

At any given moment, the urge to sing, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

A mime artist broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested. He still has the right to remain silent.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting

[Larry]

Thanks OB a good collection of Dad jokes there.

[drone]

Two guys talking one said he was suffering badly with constipation hadn't been in over a week.
Mate says I was like that I went to the ED and they gave me something that worked in about two hours.
Mat sees the first guy a few days later and asked if his constipation was sorted, No he said they gave me this torpedo shaped tablet and told me to put it in my back passage, we don't have one of them so I put it in the hall and for all the good it did there I might as well shoved it up my arse....

[Lazarus]

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[rossfrb]

[rossfrb]

[rossfrb]

[rossfrb]

my current favourite

[rossfrb]

[womble]

I think this belongs here https://www.ozgunsales.com/listing/105389/rossi_overland_12g_sxs_s_h_af134.html

[Oldbloke]

Yeh, good condition. Lol

[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

Welcome back.

[Lazarus]

Thanks OB

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[stihl88]

That last one's gold! Apparently it was used as a "Bookend", if it's got a suction cap on the end it would work ok i guess.

[Lazarus]

That last one's gold! Apparently it was used as a "Bookend", if it's got a suction cap on the end it would work ok i guess.

True, and by the look on her face, perhaps the penny has dropped

[Lazarus]

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[Oldbloke]

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[Lazarus]

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I think Iran supplied them with missile launchers as well OB

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