Joke Thread :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Harrynsw » 08 Nov 2019, 8:33 am

Last night 2 men were arrested for the theft of batteries and fireworks, but before police intervened 1 ate the batteries and 1 are the fireworks...they charged 1 guy and let the other guy go
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 08 Nov 2019, 9:00 am

Chappo wrote:Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory?.....
My uncle put one up my arse once and I’ll never forget it!

:o
And you believed it was a cucumber... :unknown:

:drinks:
:lol:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Sergeant Hartman » 08 Nov 2019, 11:07 am

It was long and it was dark.... and he was young.. Let him think that it was a cucumber.

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Harrynsw » 12 Mar 2020, 11:28 pm

Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut out ? He's alright now.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by KMA » 12 Mar 2020, 11:51 pm

Did you hear about the gay hunters out in the woods stalking each other.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 07 May 2020, 10:56 pm

In the outback town of Lingalonga things are tough, most people are out of work because of the virus and just about everyone is living on credit.

A government official is driving through town, stops at the hotel-motel and says he wants to inspect the rooms as he was planning to stay for the night. He put a $100 deposit on the counter and heads upstairs to check out the rooms.

As soon as he is out of sight, the motel-hotel owner grabs the $100 and runs next door to pay off his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmers takes the $100, runs across the street to pay off his feed bill with the local Co-op.

The manager of the Co-op takes the $100 runs down the back lane and pays off the local prostitute.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with motel owner.

The owner the places the $100 back on the counter just as the government official returns and picks up the $100, telling the owner that none of the rooms were satisfactory and he would stay somewhere else.

Now, no one produced anything, no one earned anything, however the motel owner, the butcher, the farmer, the owner of the Co-op and the prostitute are now out of debt and looking forward to a bright future with a great feal more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "Stimulus Package" works.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Ziege » 08 May 2020, 12:07 am

Blokes walking down the main drag and sees his ex wife in the pub with her new bloke, he's in the mood to stirr some trouble so he waltzes in and sidles up to the new bloke and says,

"hey mate, how's the second hand pussy?"

Without any hesitation at all the new bloke replies

"Bloody awesome mate, after the first two inches it's like brand new!"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Ziege » 08 May 2020, 12:16 am

Did you know









That pigeons die after sex?








Well....













The one I fúcked did anyway.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Ziege » 08 May 2020, 12:20 am

Sitting out front of the beer garden when this shiela walks past so I tap me mate on the shoulder and say,

"Geez I'd give her one!"

She turns around and comes back and says

"I heard that and just so you know I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man alive"

Confused I looked at her and said

"What the fúck ya on about ya silly bítch? I was giving ya 1 out of 10"
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by TassieTiger » 08 May 2020, 9:38 am

Absolute Gold. On hold with our wonderful, and world class, efficient and very popular, human services/Csa and those 3 bought me to Hysterical laughter....who knows, I might even be courteous to the monkey who answers now.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 09 May 2020, 9:00 pm

Ziege wrote:Blokes walking down the main drag and sees his ex wife in the pub with her new bloke, he's in the mood to stirr some trouble so he waltzes in and sidles up to the new bloke and says,

"hey mate, how's the second hand pussy?"

Without any hesitation at all the new bloke replies

"Bloody awesome mate, after the first two inches it's like brand new!"


I thought he was gonna say,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"hey mate," how come you've swapped over and now yer interested in women ???? :oops: :oops:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 09 May 2020, 9:03 pm

Daffynitions regarding marriage,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Tri Weekly,,,,,,,,
Try Weekly,,,,,,,,
Try Weakly,,,,,,,,,

And after a few years,,,,,,,, when passing each other in the passageway,,,,,,,, F#ck you, is muttered.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 09 May 2020, 10:00 pm

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The man who knows everything, doesnt really know everything...he's just stopped learning...
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Aliqua » 10 May 2020, 1:03 pm

:violin:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 22 Jun 2020, 6:52 pm

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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Ziege » 22 Jun 2020, 8:48 pm

Saw a bloke making himself a weather vane for his roof, as he put it up I noticed he had made it a dog instead of a rooster, puzzled I asked why he made it a dog and not a rooster, he replied that he had a pet that was similar size and shape to thenon he had made, I said but you do know why they put a cock up on the roof don't you? He replied no, why is that?





I said, because if you put a fanny up there the wind will blow straight through it
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Member-Deleted » 23 Jun 2020, 5:07 pm

made me laugh anyway
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by AussieCapitalist » 24 Jun 2020, 7:11 am

:drinks:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 25 Jun 2020, 6:23 pm

A new study has shown that an increasing number of men batter their women.

Can't see the attraction myself.

I've always eaten mine raw...
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 25 Jun 2020, 6:25 pm

Stix wrote:A new study has shown that an increasing number of men batter their women.

Can't see the attraction myself.

I've always eaten mine raw...


Lol. We agree. :D
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ash_hendo » 25 Jun 2020, 6:48 pm

What do you call a Bullet Proof Irishman? Rick O'Shea.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Stix » 25 Jun 2020, 6:55 pm

^^^...Haha...good one... :clap:

Or two irish gays...???

Michael Fitzpatrick...&........Patrick Fits-Michael...

:?

:lol: :clap:
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 27 Jun 2020, 10:13 pm

Good manners are free. Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: Text alone does not convey the full message. Practice good hygiene.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by JimTom » 27 Jun 2020, 10:29 pm

What a champion. If I was a qualified greaser I’d get onto that.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by marksman » 28 Jun 2020, 3:24 pm

Oldbloke wrote:Funny job ad on face ache.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_ ... =564181409


av a look at this pork unt :thumbsup:

uba grog ;)

no covid up ere, you get the sniffles we just farken shoot ya :drinks:

drugos need not apply. ya can be a smoker but ya wont have time :lol:

love it :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
Last edited by marksman on 28 Jun 2020, 3:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by marksman » 28 Jun 2020, 3:35 pm

"If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily."

"A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need"

"Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose.
You might think it's funny, but it's snot."

"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the P is silent"

""Does this uniform make me look fat" - insecurity guard"

"Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?"

"The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."
“If you do not read the newspapers you are uninformed. If you do read the newspapers you are misinformed”. Mark Twain
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by luvmeadler » 28 Jun 2020, 8:11 pm

How do you know when the wife is to fat?
When she sits on ya face and you cant hear the radio :o
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Die Judicii » 04 Jul 2020, 8:23 pm

What do you call a man with a half inch long penis ?

> Justin
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by ash_hendo » 04 Jul 2020, 9:20 pm

marksman wrote:"Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?"
"The shovel was a ground-breaking invention."


Fantastic!!

What do you get if you put dope in a clothes dryer? Tumble weed....
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Re: Joke Thread :lol:

Post by Oldbloke » 10 Mar 2021, 3:48 pm

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams
Good manners are free. Hunt safe, look after the bush & plug more pests. :thumbsup: The greatest invention in the history of man is beer. :drinks: Text alone does not convey the full message. Practice good hygiene.
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