Joke Thread :lol:

[cz515]

Novax Jokeofvic

Honestly I am pretty pissed off. Doesn't anyone in our government (state or federal) have a backbone. How fkd does it look, give him permission to come... then at the border cancel his visa like a criminal.... just cuz people complained.

It is election year after I suppose..... we need gas, and guess what exploration of possibly the biggest reserve off the east coast was cancelled.. just some wankers complained about a service the size of a fridge 30km off the shore of Newcastle.... the protest was by people wearing clothes made of petrochemicals

[Oldbloke]

Novax Jokeofvic

Honestly I am pretty pissed off. Doesn't anyone in our government (state or federal) have a backbone. How fkd does it look, give him permission to come... then at the border cancel his visa like a criminal.... just cuz people complained.

It is election year after I suppose..... we need gas, and guess what exploration of possibly the biggest reserve off the east coast was cancelled.. just some wankers complained about a service the size of a fridge 30km off the shore of Newcastle.... the protest was by people wearing clothes made of petrochemicals

Understand your pissed but this is the joke thread.. pls just jokes.

P.S. who is that dude?

Slightly off topic.GIF (10.97 KiB) Viewed 48273 times

[Communism_Is_Cancer]

Novax Jokeofvic

Honestly I am pretty pissed off. Doesn't anyone in our government (state or federal) have a backbone. How fkd does it look, give him permission to come... then at the border cancel his visa like a criminal.... just cuz people complained.

It is election year after I suppose..... we need gas, and guess what exploration of possibly the biggest reserve off the east coast was cancelled.. just some wankers complained about a service the size of a fridge 30km off the shore of Newcastle.... the protest was by people wearing clothes made of petrochemicals

Understand your pissed but this is the joke thread.. pls just jokes.

P.S. who is that dude?

Slightly off topic.GIF

Roger Federer a professional tennis player. I believe he is tied with Novak with the same number of wins. So the joke requires some context.

[Oldbloke]

Lol. Yeh ok

[cz515]

Ok looking up usman kwaja stat's online and this ad comes up.

I think I am single and Christian for sure

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[womble]

[womble]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N8h6bNOrGFw

[womble]

[Oldbloke]

Lol

https://mysticalball.com/

[cz515]

I just asked it, if you are for real it said "my success say no"

I asked if McCracken sleeps with you, it said "yes"


I think I beehive the magic 8 ball

[Oldbloke]

I just asked it, if you are for real it said "my success say no"

I asked if McCracken sleeps with you, it said "yes"

It agreed that I was pregnant. Do look it a bit these days. Lol But thats beer. Lol


I think I beehive the magic 8 ball

[Oldbloke]

This is for the anti vaxxes. Must be true, i found it on a forum. And the bloke that posted it saw it on facebook first.

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[Hardcast]

A bus load of Nuns has a terrible accident, all were killed. They went straight up to Heaven and were waiting at the Pearly gates.
St Peter came out and asked them to line up so he could ask them a few questions before he let them in.

Sister Julie, have you ever touched a mans private parts ? He asked.

Oh I can not lie, she said, I did once as a young teenager, but only with my little pinky finger.

That's alright he said, just dip your finger in the Holely water, and in you go.

Sister Mary, have you ever touched a mans private parts, ? He asked.

Oh yes she said, I did take hold of one and give it a little tug.

That's ok he said, just dip your hand in the Holely water and in you go.

With that, there's a scuffle at the end of the line, and one Nun is trying to push her way to the front.

Sister Josephine, what's the hurry, you'll all get in, he said.

Well if I'm going to have to gargle that water, I want to do it before Sister Patricia puts her arse in that bucket.

[womble]

https://www.theshovel.com.au/2022/01/06/the-manus-island-open-announces-wild-card-entrant-novak-djokovic/

[Oldbloke]

Barak Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine



As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barak and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"
Barak replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

[6mm Remington]

How do you know when it's bed time at Michael Jackson's house ?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

[Communism_Is_Cancer]

One for the freedom haters

[womble]

What planet is that on

[Oldbloke]

I agree. But the sad news is that many 3rd world countries have very low rates. Africa is a good example with some countries less than 10% first dose..

[Oldbloke]

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

[Communism_Is_Cancer]

I agree. But the sad news is that many 3rd world countries have very low rates. Africa is a good example with some countries less than 10% first dose..

The point of the joke I posted was about the hypocrisy of wasting money on vaccines when for decades governments have screamed they cant afford to help people. But when it comes to making big pharma rich they can all of a sudden afford it.

People in the 3rd world are more concerned about food, shelter, clean water and not some overhyped virus. We know that 3 times as many people have died of starvation compared to covid in the last 2 years. I would assume most of those starved to death were from the 3rd world.

[womble]

Well your point fell flat, because 3rd world governments cant afford covid vaccines. Their governments dont have any money because we burdened them with first world debts they can never hope to repay, condemning them to endless poverty.
Only the ruling capital class will get their hands on vaccines, not the poor. And they’re only getting them because we donated them.

[Oldbloke]

I agree. But the sad news is that many 3rd world countries have very low rates. Africa is a good example with some countries less than 10% first dose..

[Oldbloke]

Walmart. LOL

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[cz515]

One for the freedom haters

I am assuming this was done in the USA, where world series means all the states of America and Alaska and Canada.

Cuz as said above all the world hasn't been vaccinated cuz plenty of asian/African countries have little to zero vaccine coverage. Actually all the people like you who keep harping about no vaccines mean not all of America has been vaccinated.

Actually what's even more hilarious. Is that you are posting this while you are vaccinated yourself

[Lsfan]

Thanks for sharing your personal experience with us oldbloke (veet)

[Communism_Is_Cancer]

One for the freedom haters

Actually what's even more hilarious. Is that you are posting this while you are vaccinated yourself :welcome:

Ewww don't insult me. I have had a tetanus vaccine maybe 30 years ago. It was certainly before Port Arthur. I will have another when my family gets our stolen guns back.

[womble]

Tetanus vaccines last about 10 years

[cz515]

Hmm that's explains it then.

[Communism_Is_Cancer]

Lets just move forward and keep this thread for the jokes and not the chit chat hey all?