Joke Thread :lol:

[Oldbloke]

Trump was addressing a huge crowd at one of his political rallies when one of his bodyguards noticed a man with a gun closeby aiming it at Trump.

The bodyguard dived on Trump taking him out of the firing line as he yelled out "Mickey Mouse".

After things had calmed down another bodyguard asked him why he'd yelled out "Mickey Mouse".

He laughed & said that in the confusion what he really meant to say was "Donald Duck

[Die Judicii]

Trump was addressing a huge crowd at one of his political rallies when one of his bodyguards noticed a man with a gun closeby aiming it at Trump.

The bodyguard dived on Trump taking him out of the firing line as he yelled out "Mickey Mouse".

After things had calmed down another bodyguard asked him why he'd yelled out "Mickey Mouse".

He laughed & said that in the confusion what he really meant to say was "Donald Duck

Gold

Donald Trump = "The real political JOKE"

[Die Judicii]

But,,,,,,,,,,, where did he get the "huge crowd" ?
Does Rent a Crowd operate in the USA as well ?

[rossfrb]

Not only happens to humans....

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[Lazarus]

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https://youtube.com/shorts/VJ8Fe28suoQ?feature=share

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Some have found my humour offensive, to them I say

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[Die Judicii]

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Aren't those pussies a bit too far up ???

[Lazarus]

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Aren't those pussies a bit too far up ???

Elf of a shelf
Kitties on Titties DJ

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[Die Judicii]

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Aren't those pussies a bit too far up ???

Elf of a shelf
Kitties on Titties DJ

That was a given Mate,,,,,
My comment may have been a bit too too, subtle.

[Lazarus]

Quite possibly DJ, I can be as thick as sh!t in a bottle some mornings

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[Die Judicii]

When you receive a letter from a Govt department and they ask you to complete the enclosed form,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Which asks for your Mailing address.

[Oldbloke]

Little Johny went down to the local jetty to catch a fish. He had his old coke bottle with several broken fishing lines tied together, a single rusty hook, an old wine bottle cork top for a float and a bit of mouldy old bread for bait.



When he got there, there were several seasoned fishermen already there with their custom made fishing rods, Shimano Stella SW600 reels fitted with the ultimate Seaguar Threadlock braided fishing lines and a selection of fresh bait, spinners and colourful hand crafted lures. They were equally spaced apart sitting on expensive Trailhead camp chairs and all were wearing Columbia shirts under fishing vests adorned with a variety of lures and spinners.



A couple of the blokes made room for Johny and gave each other a smirk before settling back in their chairs. Johny threw his line in and before he could sit down, the line jerked and almost pulled him over into the water. He could barely hold onto the line and he struggled for about ten minutes before finally managing to pull the fish onto the jetty.



The other guys were gobsmacked. The fish was about as big as Johny himself, but he managed to pick it up and stagger home with it. When he got home he called out for someone to open the front door. His mother came out and exclaimed "What a magnificent fish Johny!" and told him to put it on the kitchen table.



The whole family gathered in the kitchen marvelling at the size of the fish and how wonderful Johny was for catching it. His father said "I wonder what sort of fish it is. Ill get the encyclopaedia and see if its in there."



Little Johny said "Dont worry dad, the blokes down at the jetty said it was a F**king Fluke

[Oldbloke]

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

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[Oldbloke]

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[Lazarus]

That's pretty much a meme of my life OB.

If it started raining strippers, I'd end up locked in the dunny with a group of horny transvestites

[Oldbloke]

Yep,
A few weeks ago I was just sitting watching over a nice gully. I spotted a glimpse of a sambar to my right.
Soo, I decided to move about 50 yards to a small over grown track. After about another 20 minutes of watching I decided to go back and get my shoulder bag that I had left at the first spot.
Layed my rifle down, went back for the bag. Returning i got about 6-7 yards from the rifle and bugger me 2 sambar are looking at me, about 15 yards the other side of the track. In high bracken i could see from the high chest up. The rifle was more or less between us. I stood still as we stared at each other for perhaps 3 minutes. Then they pissed off. Sambar hunting is, for me at least, very frustrating.

[Lazarus]

I've often wondered, do you eat them?

I've never tried venison and have often wondered how it would smoke up.

[Oldbloke]

Only if I get lucky.

[Lazarus]

"Do you eat them?

Only if I get lucky.

There's a joke here, not touching it though