Jokes

[Die Judicii]

The town drunk was seeing the new GP in town for the first time.

The GP studies the case notes of the town drunk, and then asks,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Why do you drink ?

The town drunk replies,,,,,,, Well Doc, it's a case of Have to,

How so, inquired the Doc ??

Town drunk says,, It's like a vitamin deficiency Doc,,,,,,,,,,,, my body doesn't make alchohol,,,,, so I have to take supplements.

[Oldbloke]

499.jpeg (51.65 KiB) Viewed 11095 times

458216681_1058353322317627_3673791975176412889_n.jpg (63.24 KiB) Viewed 11095 times

458167170_918076123679222_6596092462182938237_n.jpg (99.18 KiB) Viewed 11095 times

458402482_2983540775127649_6674699256731204813_n.jpg (32.33 KiB) Viewed 11095 times

FB_IMG_1725225565999.jpg (36.33 KiB) Viewed 11095 times

458192013_122177043248193626_7440407726482887679_n.jpg (58.36 KiB) Viewed 11095 times

[Oldbloke]

https://youtu.be/cwBFkT_KZr8?si=iinMDjGLBb0xnUai

[Oldbloke]

Takepic ;).jpg (46.05 KiB) Viewed 10611 times

Goodoldoz.jpg (46.27 KiB) Viewed 10611 times

Gender.jpg (79.55 KiB) Viewed 10611 times

Politicians.jpg (696.92 KiB) Viewed 10611 times

[Oldbloke]

Yearly dementia test...if you dare!




Our Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?




























Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?





























Answer: Cows drink water.. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question







3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
























Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.




4 Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales ... In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ...


Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?




















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!


If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

[Die Judicii]

At a Car dealership.
The best way to get back on your feet - Miss a car payment.

Outside a muffler shop.
No appointment necessary. We can hear you coming.

At a vetinarian.
Back in five minutes, Sit! Stay!

At your Power company.
We would be delighted if you pay your account on time,, However, if you don't, you will be de-lighted.

In a Restaurrant window.
Don't stand there and be hungry; come in and get fed up.

Out the front of a funeral parlour.
Drive carefully, we'll wait.

At an Optomotrists.
If you don't see what your looking for, You've come to the right place.

On a plumbers truck.
We repair what your husband fixed.

On another plumbers truck.
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

At a tyre outlet.
Invite us to your next blowout.

On an Electricians Van.
Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non smoking area.
If we see smoke we'll presume your on fire, and will take appropriate action.

On a Maternity room door.
Push. Push. Push.

At a shoe repair shop.
We will heel you,
We will save you sole,
We will even dye for you.

At a Gynacologists Office.
Dr Jones, At your cervix.

On a Septic tank truck.
Yesterdays Meals On Wheels.

Outside a radiator repair shop.
Best place in town to take a leak.

Sign on the back of another Septic tank truck.
Caution - This truck is full of politicians promises.

[Oldbloke]

1.jpg (54.66 KiB) Viewed 9520 times

466590537_1290341952418300_1442170964791429210_n.jpg (62.62 KiB) Viewed 9520 times

Capture-1.JPG (55.46 KiB) Viewed 9520 times

[Oldbloke]

An old man was driving in his new Corvette Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a copper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the copper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the copper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a copper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the copper.

[Oldbloke]

466971935_122141396666339195_5869838521638173573_n.jpg (65.31 KiB) Viewed 9156 times

466874432_2901254490055910_6967602971696969918_n.jpg (40.09 KiB) Viewed 9156 times

[Bugman]

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A SUB WOOFER.

[Oldbloke]

8d844e1d394681165c5b7aff8e486aaaea3ce2d78a62e8de863481099be54f0e.jpg (69.9 KiB) Viewed 8049 times

[Oldbloke]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping t o be
reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who is he, then?" he demands.


"That's me before the surgery."

[Oldbloke]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission, he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after, he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

[Oldbloke]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.

"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come Home..

[Oldbloke]

8d844e1d394681165c5b7aff8e486aaaea3ce2d78a62e8de863481099be54f0e.jpg (69.9 KiB) Viewed 7523 times

upload_2024-12-25_1-19-2.jpeg (24.73 KiB) Viewed 7523 times

692e603577bdffd536a7b2e2736519c966db9ee36b90a78511773a8dc75b6ab5.jpg (94.59 KiB) Viewed 7523 times

468452938_1113092703539607_4235293618101951667_n.jpg (63.19 KiB) Viewed 7523 times

[Harrisor44]

A 90 year old man is having his annual check up. The doctor asks him how he is feeling. "I've never been better" he replies. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then he says. "Well let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him. He raises the umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him from a bullet to the chest." "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said. "Exactly."

[Oldbloke]

473141287_8905553959563367_4964931453074661488_n.jpg (55.94 KiB) Viewed 7022 times

473424450_2946192685562090_7105611249283440922_n.jpg (134.2 KiB) Viewed 7022 times

IMG_1777.jpeg (136.69 KiB) Viewed 7022 times

bafkreiehs3xs7hrk2h6xvf2b7krpkzapng67psaqe4neenpdwdisfwb4ou.jpg (44.39 KiB) Viewed 7022 times

[Oldbloke]

This speaks for its self.

FB_IMG_1484465749802.jpg (49.37 KiB) Viewed 6395 times

[womble]

[womble]

https://usedguns.com.au/gun/704285/

[womble]

[womble]

[Bugman]

John Wayne is riding through the desert when comes across and indian brave and his wife.

Being friendly, he stops and introduces himself.
The indian brave says "how. I am called running wolf and my wife is called three horses"
John Wayne says to him " being an indian brave I can understand you being called running wolf, but your wife....three horses?"
The indian looks John wayne right in the eye and says " NAG, NAG, NAG"

[Die Judicii]

Maybe this is how they should settle things.

Donald Trump went duck shooting on opening day.
He was in his blind, and saw a duck flying past, inline with the creek.

He fires at the same moment another shooter on the far side fired,, and the duck fell lifeless into the middle of the creek.

Donald starts wading out to retrieve the duck,,,,, but so does the shooter from the other side.
They met in the middle,,,,,,, and lo behold,, the other shooter was Ayatollah Khamenei.

An arguement immediately ensued over whose duck it was.
And so,,,,,,,,,, a little Russian bloke a bit farther upstream offered a way of settling the arguement.

He pointed at the Ayatollah and said, "Spread your legs and let the American kick you in the nuts 5 times,, and if your still standing after 5 times then it will be your turn to kick the American in the nuts 5 times, and whoever falls to the ground will be the loser".

So the Ayatollah spread his legs, and Donald kicked him viciously in the nuts 5 times.

The Ayatollah groaned,, a tear ran down his face,, and his knees started to buckle,,,,,,,, but he stayed upright.

Then the little Russian said "OK comrads,,,, now its time for the American to get kicked in the nuts 5 times"

But then Donald spoke up and said,,,,,, "No I give up,,,, the Ayatollah can have the duck,,,, it's only a little one anyway.

[womble]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yaMcMvc2J3U&pp=ygUqY29tZSB0byBhdXN0cmFsaWEgc2NhcmVkIHdlaXJkIGxpdHRsZSBndXlz

[Die Judicii]

I saw a car this morning with a bumper sticker that read,, "I am a vet, so I'm entitled to drive like an animal"

Then it dawned on me just how many gynaecologists there are, out and about.

[Die Judicii]

A recently divorced man was walking on a beach when he tripped over a bottle.
He picked it up and rubbed the sand off it,,, and out popped a genie.

The genie said the usual,,, "I can grant you 3 wishes for whatever you want,, but, I'll warn you that whatever you wish for, your ex will get twicefold"

So the man thinks for a few minutes and then says,

For my first wish,, Can I have a nice new house to replace the one that got sold for settlement ?
Kazoom, Done said the genie, but remember your ex now has two new houses.

The man says, For my second wish,, can I have 2 million dollars ?
Kazoom, Done said the genie, but don't forget,, your ex now has 4 million dollars in her bank account.

The man says, Alright genie, for my 3rd and final wish,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Can you beat me half to death ?